Signal Hill

I wish you and I were there right now.

Long days and late nights.

"Cold hands, cold feet, and a pretty fucking cold heart for anything close to me is all that I have."

I guess I'll never really be able to do things right. I'll never be the guy who's always there to talk. I'll be the one who says he is. I'll never be the guy who's always there to comfort. I'll be the one who says he is. I'll never be the one who can sit down and take everything. I'll be the one who says he does.

I wish I could give you all the things that you want from me, but I'm not an ATM, and I can't cash out.

These days, all I have are a few songs, and a broken voice singing broken tunes that no one ever wants to hear.

I'm crying harder today than I did yesterday. It is what it is, and that's how it's going to be.

What to do, what to do.

You know what I feel like right now? I feel like telling my best friend and his girlfriend to fuck off. I feel like telling my ex girlfriend to fuck off too. In fact, I feel like telling everyone to fuck off. You know why? Not just because they've all pissed me off today, but because this is what life is like for me. You three can't handle a fucking sliver of what my life is made of. So, go ahead. Be fucking bitches about everything. I'm tired of trying to be nice about all of this shit. I've been through worse. I've been so much farther down than you have. And, I know. TRUST ME, I know that it's not fair for me to say that I've been through worse than anyone else has because I'd never really know, but fuck that rule. Let's see how you'd do after 5 fucking years, Jonathan. Krista, you get mad because he won't leave his bestfriend to go be with you for an extra half-hour, seriously? ThatssofuckingstupidIhateyou. You get mad about a lot of dumb shit. So do I, but I don't make people feel bad for doing things I don't like. We're big kids now, remember?

I'm sick of girls, "friends", people, bitches, jerks, assholes, this, Anaheim, Pomona, promises, and stupid shit that always seems to get the best of me. Well, here you have it. Really, fuck all of the people who mean anything to me. Fuck you all. Find a new punching bag. Find a new shoulder to lean on. None of you, and I mean NONE of you were there for me when I needed it. And, yeah, it's my fault for not asking, and I don't blame you for not magically knowing and coming to my aid, but still. Whenever I did talk about it, all you fuckers did was try to cut me off and say something that would make me feel better. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL FUCKING BETTER. Nobody can do that for me, but myself. Don't any of you flatter yourselves. I'll feel better when I figure out how to do that. If anybody, and I mean ANYBODY wants to help me, you can either stay the fuck away from me or you can ask me if you can sit and listen to everything I have to say about all the shit that makes me cry every morning and every night. Try me. I promise you won't want to sit through half of it.

Now, if you still don't get it, leave me alone. I don't want to be friends right now. I don't want to talk about how hard things are for you. I don't want to hear about how stupid your boyfriend or girlfriend is being. I don't want to hear about how I did this wrong. Not today. And I sure as hell don't want to waste my fucking time pretending. I actually used to care about everything and everyone. After the last year and a half? Hell no. Fuck that. Fuck me, and fuck you for leaving me out to die.

Holy shit, you're all so immature.

I may not be father time, myself, but you know what? I don't sit on the fucking phone arguing about stupid shit like what time I'm coming over. That's fucking stupid. If she wants you over at a certain time, and you don't want to go yet, she should understand. If you want a stupid ass answer made up of emotionally arbitrary words, and she doesn't want to even give you that, maybe you shouldn't be talking to her right now. She can ignore you, but you can't say, "Hey, I don't think it's a good idea for us to be talking while we're mad like this"? That doesn't add up.

Oh, and don't think I forgot about earlier.

Don't fucking play games with me. I said I was fucking sorry. If that's not enough for you, that's too damn bad. I have shit to do. I'm sorry. I love you, but don't tell me it's o-fucking-kay if it really isn't.

Please, people in my life, do me a small favor and please shut up and quit bullshitting me. It's really annoying.

Oh, yes.

Please enjoy the song on my page. I sure as hell am.

On another note, I'm okay with being alone and feeling alone. Maybe that's only for tonight, but having even one night to break my streak of loneliness is better than sitting in it like filth.

iAyayayay, pasale guey la pelota!

Racism <3

Ignition

I really want to go to the beach. I might be okay if I go there, even if I'm alone. Please, save me.

Another Night

I guess I'm not more important than a girlfriend. Well, fuck me, I guess.

Turn up some Mac, maybe some Wiz. I'm going to be gone for a while.

Oh, one last thought.

Please stop saying, "We've seen the lowest of the lows; we're at the highest of the highs."

I love you, but please don't say that to me. I'm not at the highest of anything. I'm happy for you, and you'll never know how great it is to see you doing so well and being happy. Really though, I can't stand being around you two. It makes me think too much, and I'd rather not. And, I know you ask if I'm okay, but I just say I am so you don't have to worry about anything. Truth be told, I'm not okay. And, I haven't been for a long time. But, for a while, I was happy. I really was.

Just do this for me, please? I'm having a hard enough time coping with all of my own problems. And, I'm not asking for your support this time. All I ask is that you don't ask me to spend time hanging out when it's just the two of you. Couples are terrible at making people feel included. I've discussed this too many times, and there isn't much debate to this, so please do this. It would help me so much.

I'm 90% sure you don't read this. Actually, I'm convinced that you don't read this. This was just for me to let something out, I guess. And again, don't take this as me being jealous, or mad because you're happy and things are good for you. You deserve it, and I mean that. I just don't want all the things that are right with your world to rub all the things that are wrong with mine in my face. Not excessively, at least.

Listening to Mac and Wiz lately has gotten me thinking. Do I want to live my life and have all the stories to tell my kids and others when I'm older? Do I want to run the risk of losing the only girl I've ever let get close to me? Do I want to lose the greatest girl there ever was? Why is it that I wanted so badly to forget all the days that everything hurt so bad? I mean, didn't it all hurt so much because we're so in love? Is it the fact that we're young and don't know how to be good to each other? I'm so afraid of the life I'm living because I don't want to throw away the life I was leading. Why is it that what we want never seems to fit into how we want our lives to play out? Love isn't a dime a dozen. Why do we think we're invincible when we're young? Why is it that I'm only grasping this concept now? Just so you're on the same page, my epiphany goes like this; the old saying "we were young and invincible" stems from the idea that we throw away love when we're young because we think we'll have it when we're older. The problem is tomorrow is never guaranteed, and even if it was, do you seriously think that any of us would be lucky enough to have something as beautiful as love just handed to us? The trick with love is that it's so fleeting. It's the one that got away. It's the one that always stayed. It's the one who was always there. It's the slap in the face when you know everything's too good to be true. It's the one that you miss continually for the rest of your life, even though you pushed it away. It's the one thing that kept you grounded. It loved you. It hurt you. It made you better. It made you worse. It helped you see the invisible. It helped you feel the intangible. It helped you transcend the boundaries of everyday life. It was the drug you always needed. It was everything you could ever ask for, but didn't. It was the one blessing life would give you. It's the one proverbial bone thrown to you from the master of torture and torment that is life. Since I've realized this a bit too late, I just hope that just one person will get to experience the love, happiness, pain, sadness, and magic that I have.



No matter what may come, I will always love you.

I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for doing everything I've done to you. I know this isn't what you wanted, but I just couldn't watch myself tear us apart anymore. You, above all others, do not deserve that, especially from me. I'll always love you. And, I wish you could know how bad I wanted to be there last night. Maybe you never would have known this, but it kills me to think that the last thing you did was have faith in me. I'm sorry you believed in me when I didn't. I'm sorry you invested in the wrong company. I'm sorry I've bankrupt you in that sense. I'll love you forever. Even if I find someone else, they'll never be as close to me as you were. And they'll never be a part of my life, or steal my heart, or hurt me, or love me, or have me the way you did. I'd say you should feel special, but that doesn't make sense.

Thanks for being my reason for sticking around. If it weren't for you, I'd have missed out on a lot of things by not being here. I wish there were a way that I could pay you back for everything you've done for me, but there's no way to pay back something you're eternally grateful for. I don't know if you'll see this any time soon, but I love you nonetheless.

Just so you know, the worst part about all of this is the fact that I can't tell you I love you every chance I get. I guess that was my choice though, and I must accept the consequences of my actions. All of them.

All I can say is that my heart will always truly belong to you.

I love you so much. 831 a&f 1123 143 <3 "]
Please, even if it's the last thing you ever do when thinking about me, forgive me for not being everything I should have been, could have been, and couldn't be. I tried, and failed. Now, someone else can have the chance to experience getting to know the most beautiful person I've ever had the privilege of knowing.

I love you, and you'll always be my baby. And, I'll always belong to you.