Um.

The Arrogant Sons of Bitches is a really good band.

It's upbeat depression. I never thought I'd be able to see that. It's quite fantastic.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

I miss you. I really do. I've been crying about it since the clock struck Christmas. I just wish you'd give me a hug and tell me you love me. I miss my dad, Dad.

If there's anything I want from you today, it's love. Not money. Not presents. Just love. Please, show up today. I need you. I don't know why, but I do. You're my dad. That's reason enough.

I love you, Dad. Despite every bad thing I've ever said about you, I love you.

Please come home for Christmas.

Love, Om.

Christensen

I still remember you laughing at me for getting an answer wrong in 7th grade. Fucking seven or eight years ago, and it still bugs me. That's not the only thing you did to fuck me up, but that's all that's important right now.

There are good things that came with that. I know much more now than I did then. Not to mention, I also wised up to your bullshit and can see just how stupid you really are. You're not smart. You're not a joy to be around. You're a fucking cunt. All I remember about you is how condescending and stuck up you were. I feel bad for your kids and your husband. I'm sure they fucking hate that they're stuck with you.

Suck my figurative cock, bitch.

What happened?

When I was young, I didn't give a shit. About anything pointless at least. I miss being able to take bites of food the size I wanted. So what if my mouth looks full? It's closed. I like taking big bites of food.

This whole maturity thing really just made everyone self-conscious. I never cared about the way I looked while eating food, and to some extent I still don't. I just wish everyone else would leave me alone about it.

I've never thought about this.

Is it wrong for me to not value what others say because of their inability to phrase it?

I find that I dismiss what a lot of people say because it doesn't sound like what they actually mean. Usually, it's a lesson that I had learned long before they had mentioned it, but what happens when it's something I haven't encountered?

Am I a bad person for doing this?

Awesome

I spend every December thinking about what I've done wrong.
I still haven't forgiven myself for anything.
Every December is bitter-sweet because I still pretend I'm on Santa's list.
It seems I break more and more bonds with people every year.
How many more years will I have until I'm so alone that I no longer have even the slightest acquaintance with someone?
I haven't enjoyed my own birthday since I was a kid.
I find everyone else's birthdays much more enjoyable.
I wish I could enjoy something nice for myself without feeling terrible.
I don't even know why I'm writing this.
I'm not even sure why I'm crying, but I am.
I'd like to catch a break.
Maybe just some time without feeling stressed and cornered.
That'd be a great birthday present.
Too bad that can't be a gift from a person.
I just wish that life would leave me alone for a while.
I'm not as happy as I think I am.
Maybe I've just been lying to myself.




I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me. What went wrong?

After this week

After everything that's happened this week, I don't know why I stand up for you and put up with all of this. 

Maybe I feel a little neglected, but I guess that's my fault, or at the very least not yours. Since it's always about who's to blame with you, it doesn't really matter what the problem is, does it? And you wonder why I said nothing was wrong. It's because I knew you were going to blame me. I'm always to blame. And, you'll just be mad and do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences, like you always do. I'm just sick and tired of this, and just girls in general. 

This week just can't get any better. 

Cliff Diving

I've been listening to Cliff Diving by Plus 44. It's a really good song, and though I may not particularly enjoy the chorus, I still like the song. The song, as a whole, has been making me think a lot.

I find myself day dreaming while listening to this song. All of a sudden, I have a ton of questions that fly right through my head, then in the same instant they appear, they leave. It's that kind of fleeting epiphany. I can't even explain it past that. Some of the questions I do remember are:

Will I ever be able to do things right?
Am I living in such a way that I might attain what I desire?
Will anyone be there when I die?
If so, will they be there to hold me, or kill me?
Will I be missed?
Will love prove to be everything everyone says it is, or will I find that yet again, people are wrong?
Will love save me, or end me?

Also, listening to this song makes me think about how I felt after Freshman year in high school. I think about all the people that have come and gone, as well as all the people I never got to know.

What's funny is this song makes me think of Kim. I know that I say I don't like her. That's because I don't. I'm not going to rant about all the things that I think are wrong with her because that makes me no better than she, not that my intention is to be better than her. My intention is to be the nicer person. I don't need to call someone fake, condescending, mean, or immature, even if that's how I feel about someone. At the same time, I don't need to insult anybody to try and make them understand that I love them because that doesn't show love in the least bit. All I can really say about this, and Kim, is that I wish Erin had never gotten close to her. She would have been so much better off without Kim.

I was talking to somebody very special recently, and I mentioned that I want things to go in the direction that they have been headed. I just wanted Kim to finally be done messing with Erin. Erin doesn't go out of her way in the least bit to talk to Kim. She doesn't want to deal with any of the baggage that comes with that relationship, and yet she can't seem to escape it. Maybe Erin does need to burn a bridge or two. I just hope that the bridge she burns has Kim on the other end of it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't care who Kim is friends with. She can be super duper best friends with all of my best friends and say every mean thing she wants about me. I just want her to leave Erin out of it. Hell, I'll take any kind of public defamation if it means that Kim would leave Erin alone. I'm just tired of seeing the girl I love get hurt by something she doesn't even want.

Just so some retard doesn't start talking a ton of shit because he or she doesn't actually understand what some words mean, I said I wouldn't rant about all the things I don't like about Kim, not that I wouldn't rant about her.

Just incase the point hasn't been made, if you ever write another email about some shit that you obviously misconstrued, twisted around, and blatantly did not understand, I hope you and all your uptight fucks of friends choke on the fat dick that is the truth.

Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend. She doesn't like you. Nor do I. Hell, you're not even one of "the guys" like you may think. So now, refer to the previous paragraph.

I got totally sidetracked, but I'm still quite upset about that stunt Kim pulled, and I really hope she tries something like that again. Then, we'll see who can be manipulative and nasty. You fucked with the wrong girl.