The ways I want to spend my summer.

Making money.

Finishing an album.

Making friends.

Laying out at the beach.

Playing shows.

Screaming at the top of my lungs. 

We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore

Taking Back Sunday hits me harder than any other day of the week. Especially Thursday.

#180

Deleted my Facebook today. All I did was save the pictures to my hard drive. Now, I don't have a reason to deal with stupid bullshit. This is a good first step towards growing up.

If you want to know what relaxation is like

You should definitely try running during the wee hours of the morning. I've never felt better.

I need this.

I can't stand anything right now. I need sleep medication. I'm probably going to develop a Benadryl addiction soon. I'm so tense, and everything hurts so bad, yet it all feels so distant. I'm alone, and I'm pushing people away. I figure making myself more lonely now will help me appreciate what I have later. Maybe I'm just tricking myself. Maybe loneliness is in my head. Our heads. Whatever. One day, I'm either going to die from this, or live to tell the tale, so to speak. I don't know which one I want more. How fucking lame am I? I think Taylor and I are the only ones left who still use this. And, not that his posts aren't important or heartfelt, but I invest so much more of my time in this. Constantly reloading, constantly checking this stupid blog that's fallen out of the peripheral vision of everyone's attention, just to see if anyone had anything to say about anything I feel. I don't want to ask people to read this because, well, it'd feel forced. How can anyone say I make a difference if I'm not even visible? It's fucking insanity. I'm fucking insane these days. I don't know what I need, but whatever it is, I need it so bad.

Abandon Ship

It's all right, it's okay. We were famous for a day.
It was good, so let's just stop. There's no shame in ending on top.

Digging

Tell me every single emotion that's behind all your metaphors.
Tell me why you post the quotes you do.
Tell me why you're so beautiful, yet so damaged.
Tell me why you love me, yet hurt me so much.
Explain to me what goes on in your head.
Explain why we both lay alone in our beds.
Explain the difference between just friends and together again.
Explain why I never know what's going on anymore.
Show me the eyes that used to seem so bright.
Show me the eyes we both shared after every fight.
Show me the things you do to help you feel okay.
Show me what you do to help you sleep at night.
Help me fix me.
Help me destroy me.
Help me rebuild me.
Help me feel me.

Scribble scribble.

It's Mother's Day. That's cool, I guess. I just want my mom to have a good day. If that means that today is the day, then that's fine.

Anyway, back to my writing.

I don't know why I'm still up at this hour. With the exception of last night, I've stayed up until at least 4am every night for the past week. All I want to do is write music lately. But, I've also gotten back into skating. I really missed jumping around on my old tree. Who knows? Maybe I'll get good. Haha. I will say though, that my bouts of insomnia are pretty cool. I've done a lot of weird stuff this week, but it was interesting at least. At least I wasn't tired for nothing.

Well, off to write. Funny, because I just finished writing here.

I wish I could have appreciated Box Car when they played.

That's probably one of the bands I wish I could see the most. I'd probably cry the entire show, but I just can't help how much their lyrics take me away with them. I can't really take them in. I just have to sort of follow. It's like when you're thirsty, and you have just a little bit of water left in your bottle, and you stick out your tongue just to wait for the last drop.

To me, Cat Like Thief is the instantaneous yet infinitely long moment where you wait for that last drop. I can't ever listen to it just once. I listen to all my favorite songs and just give up every time because I know I'll never write anything half as good as these songs.

My curse is being led to believe that I have all the potential in the world. The truth? I have potential to be mediocre. I just haven't been able to get that far yet.

There's a reason I don't have a Tumblr.

I think they're neat and all, and I'm not hating in the least bit. I just can't seem to be creative enough to post things from all different mediums. I use blogger because I hide behind words. Words are my blanket. I can use words to express myself best. My face, my body language, my anything really don't tell you how I am. If you want to know how I am, ask me. That's the closest thing to the truth you'll get from me.

Dayum.

Why do I have so much in common with you?

I never saw it coming, that's for sure. But, it's nice, and I like it.

Yay, new friend. :]

Back to BTMI

I wonder what it is that makes me tear up whenever I hear this song. I always want to run to this song, but it's hard to run when you can't see. 

I'm starting to see how much I really hate what I've become. Not who, but what. 

I wonder why I feel so alone? I always feel like I have no one. Watching depressing movies about death definitely doesn't help remedy this feeling, let me tell you. Maybe I'll just live life between bouts of drowning and burning.

Abso-fucking-lutely unbelievable.

As if I hadn't already had a bad day, mom comes home and:

"What'd you do today?"
     "Um, I had an essay due, and a midterm, but I was late to class."
"Why were you late?"
     "Well, I tried to print out my essay on your computer, but your computer was trying to update itself for an hour."
"Well, why didn't you use the other one?"
     "It doesn't have Word."
"Why were you late though?"
     "Did you miss me saying it took your computer an hour for me to be able to use?"
"You should have done your essay earlier."
     "Because leaving myself an hour to print out an essay isn't already enough? That was literally out of my control."
"You shouldn't have waited 'til the last minute."
     "I didn't. You're acting like I was supposed to know it would take an hour for your computer to turn on."
"You shouldn't have been late."


Thanks, Mom. You do a great job of managing to make me feel bad for everything.

Signal Hill

I wish you and I were there right now.

Long days and late nights.

"Cold hands, cold feet, and a pretty fucking cold heart for anything close to me is all that I have."

I guess I'll never really be able to do things right. I'll never be the guy who's always there to talk. I'll be the one who says he is. I'll never be the guy who's always there to comfort. I'll be the one who says he is. I'll never be the one who can sit down and take everything. I'll be the one who says he does.

I wish I could give you all the things that you want from me, but I'm not an ATM, and I can't cash out.

These days, all I have are a few songs, and a broken voice singing broken tunes that no one ever wants to hear.

I'm crying harder today than I did yesterday. It is what it is, and that's how it's going to be.

What to do, what to do.

You know what I feel like right now? I feel like telling my best friend and his girlfriend to fuck off. I feel like telling my ex girlfriend to fuck off too. In fact, I feel like telling everyone to fuck off. You know why? Not just because they've all pissed me off today, but because this is what life is like for me. You three can't handle a fucking sliver of what my life is made of. So, go ahead. Be fucking bitches about everything. I'm tired of trying to be nice about all of this shit. I've been through worse. I've been so much farther down than you have. And, I know. TRUST ME, I know that it's not fair for me to say that I've been through worse than anyone else has because I'd never really know, but fuck that rule. Let's see how you'd do after 5 fucking years, Jonathan. Krista, you get mad because he won't leave his bestfriend to go be with you for an extra half-hour, seriously? ThatssofuckingstupidIhateyou. You get mad about a lot of dumb shit. So do I, but I don't make people feel bad for doing things I don't like. We're big kids now, remember?

I'm sick of girls, "friends", people, bitches, jerks, assholes, this, Anaheim, Pomona, promises, and stupid shit that always seems to get the best of me. Well, here you have it. Really, fuck all of the people who mean anything to me. Fuck you all. Find a new punching bag. Find a new shoulder to lean on. None of you, and I mean NONE of you were there for me when I needed it. And, yeah, it's my fault for not asking, and I don't blame you for not magically knowing and coming to my aid, but still. Whenever I did talk about it, all you fuckers did was try to cut me off and say something that would make me feel better. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL FUCKING BETTER. Nobody can do that for me, but myself. Don't any of you flatter yourselves. I'll feel better when I figure out how to do that. If anybody, and I mean ANYBODY wants to help me, you can either stay the fuck away from me or you can ask me if you can sit and listen to everything I have to say about all the shit that makes me cry every morning and every night. Try me. I promise you won't want to sit through half of it.

Now, if you still don't get it, leave me alone. I don't want to be friends right now. I don't want to talk about how hard things are for you. I don't want to hear about how stupid your boyfriend or girlfriend is being. I don't want to hear about how I did this wrong. Not today. And I sure as hell don't want to waste my fucking time pretending. I actually used to care about everything and everyone. After the last year and a half? Hell no. Fuck that. Fuck me, and fuck you for leaving me out to die.

Holy shit, you're all so immature.

I may not be father time, myself, but you know what? I don't sit on the fucking phone arguing about stupid shit like what time I'm coming over. That's fucking stupid. If she wants you over at a certain time, and you don't want to go yet, she should understand. If you want a stupid ass answer made up of emotionally arbitrary words, and she doesn't want to even give you that, maybe you shouldn't be talking to her right now. She can ignore you, but you can't say, "Hey, I don't think it's a good idea for us to be talking while we're mad like this"? That doesn't add up.

Oh, and don't think I forgot about earlier.

Don't fucking play games with me. I said I was fucking sorry. If that's not enough for you, that's too damn bad. I have shit to do. I'm sorry. I love you, but don't tell me it's o-fucking-kay if it really isn't.

Please, people in my life, do me a small favor and please shut up and quit bullshitting me. It's really annoying.

Oh, yes.

Please enjoy the song on my page. I sure as hell am.

On another note, I'm okay with being alone and feeling alone. Maybe that's only for tonight, but having even one night to break my streak of loneliness is better than sitting in it like filth.

iAyayayay, pasale guey la pelota!

Racism <3

Ignition

I really want to go to the beach. I might be okay if I go there, even if I'm alone. Please, save me.

Another Night

I guess I'm not more important than a girlfriend. Well, fuck me, I guess.

Turn up some Mac, maybe some Wiz. I'm going to be gone for a while.

Oh, one last thought.

Please stop saying, "We've seen the lowest of the lows; we're at the highest of the highs."

I love you, but please don't say that to me. I'm not at the highest of anything. I'm happy for you, and you'll never know how great it is to see you doing so well and being happy. Really though, I can't stand being around you two. It makes me think too much, and I'd rather not. And, I know you ask if I'm okay, but I just say I am so you don't have to worry about anything. Truth be told, I'm not okay. And, I haven't been for a long time. But, for a while, I was happy. I really was.

Just do this for me, please? I'm having a hard enough time coping with all of my own problems. And, I'm not asking for your support this time. All I ask is that you don't ask me to spend time hanging out when it's just the two of you. Couples are terrible at making people feel included. I've discussed this too many times, and there isn't much debate to this, so please do this. It would help me so much.

I'm 90% sure you don't read this. Actually, I'm convinced that you don't read this. This was just for me to let something out, I guess. And again, don't take this as me being jealous, or mad because you're happy and things are good for you. You deserve it, and I mean that. I just don't want all the things that are right with your world to rub all the things that are wrong with mine in my face. Not excessively, at least.

Listening to Mac and Wiz lately has gotten me thinking. Do I want to live my life and have all the stories to tell my kids and others when I'm older? Do I want to run the risk of losing the only girl I've ever let get close to me? Do I want to lose the greatest girl there ever was? Why is it that I wanted so badly to forget all the days that everything hurt so bad? I mean, didn't it all hurt so much because we're so in love? Is it the fact that we're young and don't know how to be good to each other? I'm so afraid of the life I'm living because I don't want to throw away the life I was leading. Why is it that what we want never seems to fit into how we want our lives to play out? Love isn't a dime a dozen. Why do we think we're invincible when we're young? Why is it that I'm only grasping this concept now? Just so you're on the same page, my epiphany goes like this; the old saying "we were young and invincible" stems from the idea that we throw away love when we're young because we think we'll have it when we're older. The problem is tomorrow is never guaranteed, and even if it was, do you seriously think that any of us would be lucky enough to have something as beautiful as love just handed to us? The trick with love is that it's so fleeting. It's the one that got away. It's the one that always stayed. It's the one who was always there. It's the slap in the face when you know everything's too good to be true. It's the one that you miss continually for the rest of your life, even though you pushed it away. It's the one thing that kept you grounded. It loved you. It hurt you. It made you better. It made you worse. It helped you see the invisible. It helped you feel the intangible. It helped you transcend the boundaries of everyday life. It was the drug you always needed. It was everything you could ever ask for, but didn't. It was the one blessing life would give you. It's the one proverbial bone thrown to you from the master of torture and torment that is life. Since I've realized this a bit too late, I just hope that just one person will get to experience the love, happiness, pain, sadness, and magic that I have.



No matter what may come, I will always love you.

I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for doing everything I've done to you. I know this isn't what you wanted, but I just couldn't watch myself tear us apart anymore. You, above all others, do not deserve that, especially from me. I'll always love you. And, I wish you could know how bad I wanted to be there last night. Maybe you never would have known this, but it kills me to think that the last thing you did was have faith in me. I'm sorry you believed in me when I didn't. I'm sorry you invested in the wrong company. I'm sorry I've bankrupt you in that sense. I'll love you forever. Even if I find someone else, they'll never be as close to me as you were. And they'll never be a part of my life, or steal my heart, or hurt me, or love me, or have me the way you did. I'd say you should feel special, but that doesn't make sense.

Thanks for being my reason for sticking around. If it weren't for you, I'd have missed out on a lot of things by not being here. I wish there were a way that I could pay you back for everything you've done for me, but there's no way to pay back something you're eternally grateful for. I don't know if you'll see this any time soon, but I love you nonetheless.

Just so you know, the worst part about all of this is the fact that I can't tell you I love you every chance I get. I guess that was my choice though, and I must accept the consequences of my actions. All of them.

All I can say is that my heart will always truly belong to you.

I love you so much. 831 a&f 1123 143 <3 "]
Please, even if it's the last thing you ever do when thinking about me, forgive me for not being everything I should have been, could have been, and couldn't be. I tried, and failed. Now, someone else can have the chance to experience getting to know the most beautiful person I've ever had the privilege of knowing.

I love you, and you'll always be my baby. And, I'll always belong to you.

Who'd have thought?

Pretty upset today, not going to lie about that. It sucks because I feel more alone than ever, and it's my fault. It's even worse because I just ran a pyramid work out. I haven't run in ages and could barely walk home, yet I still feel as terrible as I did earlier. How is it that I can exhaust myself to the point of a struggle, and I still have enough energy to wallow in bitter self-pity? And, it just feels so damn good to see how useless typing this shit is. How many fucking blogs have I posted? How many of them have helped me in the slightest bit? Fucking zero. Nothing makes me feel good these days. I don't know what the hell compels me to get my melancholic ass out of bed, and if it gave up on me tomorrow, I wouldn't care at all. Why should it matter if whatever I have left finally died? I don't even bother caring about anything anymore. All I know now is how to be an asshole. I just let my friends and family drown any time they ask me to help.

And, even now, all I can think about is how big of a fucking pansy bitch I'm being.

I wish I could turn my entire life into lyrics. Good lyrics. If you all heard the song that is my life, you'd never take out the headphones.

I just realized that there may never come a day where I don't hate myself. There may very well never be the day where I can stand to look in the mirror. It never occurred to me that there is a possibility that things won't get better, and that scares the shit out of me. The problem is I don't think it scares me enough to motivate me. I'm only afraid enough to let it happen.

Zacking.

I just can't help but listen to all the songs that have someone screaming out of key. It's not perfect by any means, but they have so much power and emotion that I can't take the headphones out of my ears.

There goes my career.

fuck, I'm tired.

I used to be an awesome listener.
But now I just drift and out or get pulled away by beats and measures
like I don' t have a choice but failure and running from a brighter future.


If only I had written that. 

So tired.

It's 7:04 in the morning, I woke up just a little while ago, and I have yet to start an essay that is due in three hours. Looks like I'm missing Critical Thinking again. Oh, darn. These blogs don't really mean much anymore. About as important as a status on Facebook. I suppose what I have to say isn't as minuscule.

Erin, I love you.
Jonathan, I love you.
Jesus, I love you.
Taylor, I love you.
Zack, I love you.
Bryan, I love you.
Elton, I love you.
Lawrence, I love you.
Mom, I love you.
Dad, I love you. Happy belated birthday.

I guess I'm going to throw a shitty essay together, jump in the air and pray.

Me.

I really love how everyone and their mom thinks they know what's best for me. Dear everyone and their mom, please stop making my choices for me. I've spent my entire life knowing who I am, but none of you fucking jerks let me be me. I'm just trying to be myself, so please stop shoving the rest of the world down my throat.

Goodness

Is there some sort of "kick me" sign on my back? I tried really, really hard to just let what happened yesterday go and not worry too much about it. Yeah, you were being mean and snapping at me, and I understand that that happens some times. So, yeah, I let it go. But, today too? I mean, I'm sorry for not telling you when I probably should have, or not at all if that's how you see it, but that doesn't give you any right to be bitchy to me when I'm trying to say I'm sorry and help you with other things. What if I wasn't all right last night? Would you be bitchy to me then? I know, that's not a fair question, but you've been a real jerk to me in the last day or so. I'd really like an apology, or at least for you to treat me like I'm a person instead of some damned punching bag.

Is it bad?

I'm starting to hate everyone and every thing. I swear, I'm dreamin' of the Philippines and in these dreams, I never look back.

Wow.

And how does it feel to be the name that's on the page
To know that you've joined the rank of all of the people I hate
And how does it feel to be the one that's center stage
To know that your just a face
That started this horrible game
I hear you saying that it hurts so much
You never really thought it through
I'm tying nooses and you know this ones for you


Go Radio - Thanks For Nothing
Good stuff. 

Wow.

You know what a real friend is? Someone who's willing to tell you you're slipping up when they see it happening.

Apparently, all the people I try to make time for and divide my time equally with think I'm "too cool" for them. You know, I try my best to get shit done and spend time with everyone that I care about, but I can't spend more time with certain friends just because they'll talk about me if I don't.

Some friends, man. If you can't please all of them, you can't please any of them.

What if

What if religion was wrong? Entirely. What if the only merit religions had was that we should all be good to each other? What if every wrong thing we did would result in us being reincarnated and having to live out another existence on earth? What if we led good lives in which we did the right thing, and were good to each other, which then allowed us to get to heaven? In this case, the worse a person was during a lifetime, they would be reincarnated based on the severity of their infractions against others, and if a person was essentially good, their punishment would be minimal and would be allowed into heaven.

Just a thought. Go figure, abortion debates do this to me. Haha.

Wow.

I was on Facebook, and Jonathan posted DJ Earworm's "United States of Pop 2010". After hearing all the individual songs mashed up, I realized how long 2010 was. This is totally messing me up. I feel like it flew by, but it was so long, and I couldn't stand 2010. It's just weird, I guess. Either way, I feel like I have more to say, but I'm way too tired to say anything else. Goodnight.

This one is for me.

We're not talking. I'm probably not going to talk to you about this. Any of it, really. Take your nap. Deal with your anger, and any other emotion you have, the way you want and do. I'm giving you what you want. I'll wait to talk to you. But, I'm not telling you what bothers me. I don't want to anymore. This time, I'd really rather be alone.

Here are a few things worth keeping in mind.

1. Girls think all girls are pretty unless they hate each other. Girls call each other gorgeous, beautiful, pretty, cute, or what-have-you when it's not at all the case. They're all fucking liars when it comes to this shit.

2. The people who love you, lie to you. 

3. Facebook is full of stupid things, and people's statuses are terrible.

4. Nobody is as intelligent as you'd think. Especially me. 

5. A relationship should never be spent trying to make up for things you've done wrong. 

6. I'm the most critical person I know, and I hate a lot of things.

7. Don't talk to me because chances are I'll end up judging you or start an argument. 

8. I'm not the nice guy I used to be, so avoid me.

9. I will get in your face and call you out if you're being stupid in my eyes. 

10. People cheat and lie. Don't trust them. 

11. Life hurts.

I'm sitting in my room, and I have my bags packed. I'm supposed to be packing for school, but I'm really tempted to just leave. I'm trying to decide whether or not I'll be moving back into my dorm or running away. I'm just saying, school isn't my first choice in this decision. Not right now, at least. Happy new year, anyone who reads this. Enjoy the song. 

Kill The President - Arrogant Sons of Bitches

Mental note for this year's New Years:

Avoid the shit out of Facebook. I hate reading, "Resolution #1: blah blah blah things are going to be awesome, everything will fall into place, this is my year!"

Stuff like that makes me angry. Resolutions are supposed to be challenges, not something vague and ambiguous like "everything will fall into place."

Make things hard for yourself in hopes to become a better person by meeting these challenges.

For the first time in my life, I actually have a few resolutions. I'm not posting them for everyone to see, but if you ask, I will tell.

Happy new year, everyone.