Um.

The Arrogant Sons of Bitches is a really good band.

It's upbeat depression. I never thought I'd be able to see that. It's quite fantastic.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

I miss you. I really do. I've been crying about it since the clock struck Christmas. I just wish you'd give me a hug and tell me you love me. I miss my dad, Dad.

If there's anything I want from you today, it's love. Not money. Not presents. Just love. Please, show up today. I need you. I don't know why, but I do. You're my dad. That's reason enough.

I love you, Dad. Despite every bad thing I've ever said about you, I love you.

Please come home for Christmas.

Love, Om.

Christensen

I still remember you laughing at me for getting an answer wrong in 7th grade. Fucking seven or eight years ago, and it still bugs me. That's not the only thing you did to fuck me up, but that's all that's important right now.

There are good things that came with that. I know much more now than I did then. Not to mention, I also wised up to your bullshit and can see just how stupid you really are. You're not smart. You're not a joy to be around. You're a fucking cunt. All I remember about you is how condescending and stuck up you were. I feel bad for your kids and your husband. I'm sure they fucking hate that they're stuck with you.

Suck my figurative cock, bitch.

What happened?

When I was young, I didn't give a shit. About anything pointless at least. I miss being able to take bites of food the size I wanted. So what if my mouth looks full? It's closed. I like taking big bites of food.

This whole maturity thing really just made everyone self-conscious. I never cared about the way I looked while eating food, and to some extent I still don't. I just wish everyone else would leave me alone about it.

I've never thought about this.

Is it wrong for me to not value what others say because of their inability to phrase it?

I find that I dismiss what a lot of people say because it doesn't sound like what they actually mean. Usually, it's a lesson that I had learned long before they had mentioned it, but what happens when it's something I haven't encountered?

Am I a bad person for doing this?

Awesome

I spend every December thinking about what I've done wrong.
I still haven't forgiven myself for anything.
Every December is bitter-sweet because I still pretend I'm on Santa's list.
It seems I break more and more bonds with people every year.
How many more years will I have until I'm so alone that I no longer have even the slightest acquaintance with someone?
I haven't enjoyed my own birthday since I was a kid.
I find everyone else's birthdays much more enjoyable.
I wish I could enjoy something nice for myself without feeling terrible.
I don't even know why I'm writing this.
I'm not even sure why I'm crying, but I am.
I'd like to catch a break.
Maybe just some time without feeling stressed and cornered.
That'd be a great birthday present.
Too bad that can't be a gift from a person.
I just wish that life would leave me alone for a while.
I'm not as happy as I think I am.
Maybe I've just been lying to myself.




I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me. What went wrong?

After this week

After everything that's happened this week, I don't know why I stand up for you and put up with all of this. 

Maybe I feel a little neglected, but I guess that's my fault, or at the very least not yours. Since it's always about who's to blame with you, it doesn't really matter what the problem is, does it? And you wonder why I said nothing was wrong. It's because I knew you were going to blame me. I'm always to blame. And, you'll just be mad and do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences, like you always do. I'm just sick and tired of this, and just girls in general. 

This week just can't get any better. 

Cliff Diving

I've been listening to Cliff Diving by Plus 44. It's a really good song, and though I may not particularly enjoy the chorus, I still like the song. The song, as a whole, has been making me think a lot.

I find myself day dreaming while listening to this song. All of a sudden, I have a ton of questions that fly right through my head, then in the same instant they appear, they leave. It's that kind of fleeting epiphany. I can't even explain it past that. Some of the questions I do remember are:

Will I ever be able to do things right?
Am I living in such a way that I might attain what I desire?
Will anyone be there when I die?
If so, will they be there to hold me, or kill me?
Will I be missed?
Will love prove to be everything everyone says it is, or will I find that yet again, people are wrong?
Will love save me, or end me?

Also, listening to this song makes me think about how I felt after Freshman year in high school. I think about all the people that have come and gone, as well as all the people I never got to know.

What's funny is this song makes me think of Kim. I know that I say I don't like her. That's because I don't. I'm not going to rant about all the things that I think are wrong with her because that makes me no better than she, not that my intention is to be better than her. My intention is to be the nicer person. I don't need to call someone fake, condescending, mean, or immature, even if that's how I feel about someone. At the same time, I don't need to insult anybody to try and make them understand that I love them because that doesn't show love in the least bit. All I can really say about this, and Kim, is that I wish Erin had never gotten close to her. She would have been so much better off without Kim.

I was talking to somebody very special recently, and I mentioned that I want things to go in the direction that they have been headed. I just wanted Kim to finally be done messing with Erin. Erin doesn't go out of her way in the least bit to talk to Kim. She doesn't want to deal with any of the baggage that comes with that relationship, and yet she can't seem to escape it. Maybe Erin does need to burn a bridge or two. I just hope that the bridge she burns has Kim on the other end of it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't care who Kim is friends with. She can be super duper best friends with all of my best friends and say every mean thing she wants about me. I just want her to leave Erin out of it. Hell, I'll take any kind of public defamation if it means that Kim would leave Erin alone. I'm just tired of seeing the girl I love get hurt by something she doesn't even want.

Just so some retard doesn't start talking a ton of shit because he or she doesn't actually understand what some words mean, I said I wouldn't rant about all the things I don't like about Kim, not that I wouldn't rant about her.

Just incase the point hasn't been made, if you ever write another email about some shit that you obviously misconstrued, twisted around, and blatantly did not understand, I hope you and all your uptight fucks of friends choke on the fat dick that is the truth.

Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend. She doesn't like you. Nor do I. Hell, you're not even one of "the guys" like you may think. So now, refer to the previous paragraph.

I got totally sidetracked, but I'm still quite upset about that stunt Kim pulled, and I really hope she tries something like that again. Then, we'll see who can be manipulative and nasty. You fucked with the wrong girl.

I hate blogger.

I can't seem to figure out how to not "follow" your stupid blog anymore. I really don't want anything to do with you. And, just seeing your few and far between blog posts makes me remember how much I don't like thinking about you.

I hate blogger.

Man.

I really do love my best friend. Can't stress that enough. Happy birthday, m'ngu.

What the fuck does this mean?

"CNT WAIT TO PARTY STRTIN THUR. WHOO GUNA B/A KRAZY WEEKN!!! ^__-"

Cunt. Wait to party. Struttin' there. Whoo gunner Bachelor of Arts crazy weaken!!! ^__-

That's what I got.

Yeah, I did it.

I deleted you. And you. I guess I can't stand the thought of how we were close, and you just stopped talking to me. Even my mom said it was fucked up. I defended you when she said that you might be using me. But, what am I supposed to do now? Do I tell her that we just haven't talked in two months? Fuck that. If you ever get around to seeing this somehow, talk to me, and tell me why we stopped talking because I'd really like to know. But, as far as I'm concerned, I put in way too much effort to be your friend over the past 6 years for me to go and ask you why you stopped being my friend. Oh, and don't you dare call me asking to borrow any of my shit, or asking me for another fucking ride again. If that's all I'm worth to you, then you can go fuck yourself. It's so grand how when I have to move and can't give you a ride, or can't take you home after pick-up, all of a sudden, we don't talk anymore. I also wonder if you stopped talking to me because of her. If you did, I hope it was worth it. I'll remember that the next time you're in a jam. Oh, and thanks for being there for me when Erin and I broke up. You're a real pal. I guess, all I can really say at this point is:

Fuck you, Jesus.

And as for the other one, please, for my own sake and peace of mind, don't ever talk to me again. I trusted you once, twice, and even a third time to actually treat our friendship like something that isn't supposed to be put on hold. A simple, "Hi, how's it going?" would have been just fine. Even if it was every few weeks. Don't talk to me like we're friends. Friends don't ignore each other. One can never be too busy to just say hi to someone. Hell, you could have asked for my number and just texted me. I wouldn't have cared, but that's just how it is with you. You just talk to them if you see them. Sorry I wasn't part of your big plan, dick.

So, to that, I say:

Fuck you, Carmen.

I hope you two are happy at least. Regardless of how I can't stand the thought of either of you right now, I really do hope you're both doing well. Jesus, I hope you find someone new. Someone who'll actually be good to you. Carmen, I hope you make all your dreams come true. As far as I can see, that's all you're going to have going for you when you cross the finish line. I hate that I care about you guys. Because, quite frankly, it breaks my heart to think that I don't even know you anymore.

Dear Jesus Freaks

I have nothing against God, or anyone else' respective god or gods, but seriously. Stop fucking preaching and shoving your fucking religion down everyone's god damned throats. I don't have anything against religion, but I do believe I have the right to disagree with any aspect of any religion. I have the right to say that I think you're wrong. Oh, and don't ever ever ever try to explain to me that God exists and tell me that it's logical. I'm not saying he doesn't exist, but it's a matter of faith. It's what the entirety of religion is built upon. All I ask is that you respect everyone else. I understand that you want the best for us, in your eyes. That's fine. Preach to me. Explain to me what your religion is, or what you understand it to be. I'll listen, but when you start getting in my face about it, then I'll fight back. You know what's funny? Most atheists know more about religions than a lot of people who follow them. Maybe before you trust everything it has to say, you could question it. Then, and only then, will you really know if you agree with the religion. Who knows? Maybe studying your religion will make your faith that much stronger.

Just because "the Lord is our shepherd" doesn't mean we have to be sheep.

Word Choice

I'm really sick of people saying things like "hilariously awesome". Unless the fact that something is completely amazing, and is so amazing in that it makes people laugh, don't say stupid shit like that. I'm also super fucking tired of "epic". Yes, I used to use that word, but very sparingly. Epic doesn't mean cool. Quit throwing it around like it is. Oh, and to all you "hella" users, what the fuck is wrong with you? It doesn't even make sense. You know it's derived from the phrase, "one hell of", right? Like, "That was one hell of a punch." The context you use it in isn't even the same anymore. "That was hella punch." Fuck you. Oh, and "skrill", that's such bullshit. That sounds nothing like money, has nothing to do with money, and implies money in no way unless you rub your middle and index finger against your thumb.

All I'm saying is think a little bit. Sometimes, less is more. "Awesomely epic"? Are you fucking kidding me? I doubt whatever it was that was so "awesomely epic" really wasn't THAT intense. Just say "great". Quit overdoing the whole "unique" thing. I used a ton of quotation marks in this post.

By the way,

I'm really sick and fucking tired of women saying men are dicks, or pigs, or whatever other shit they call us when they're mad at us. In all honesty, I've seen more women betray men, and break hearts, and anything else they can throw at men than the opposite. I don't see why we go through all the indecisiveness, all the "I don't know what I want"s, all the breaks and getting back together, all the lies, and all the other bullshit that we go through, but at the end of it all, we're the bad guys. No more.

I hate women that call us names and point fingers at us.

Like you're fucking perfect, right, princess? Fuck you.

I wish I still had recess

I'd love to take 15 minutes out of my day to freak out and go play catch, or tag, or soccer, or anything really. I think I'm going to start a club at my school. Every U-hour, we'll have a recess that will last for just 30 minutes, or longer. Whatever we like. It'll be the shit.

Running.

Right now, that's the only thing that will keep me calm. Just because it's so strenuous, you can't afford to expend energy on anything else besides maintaining pace.

Tonight, I'm going to run until my legs fall off. Then, tomorrow, I'm going to do it again.

This blog will take me two steps backward.

It sucks to think that you would actually just give up, but I can't ask you to actually try and keep me. Considering what a piece of shit I've been over the years, I'm surprised I even have friends right now. Maybe you don't love me like you think you do. I've never seen you suffer through anything like I have to try and keep me like I did for you. But, this isn't about me, or who did what, or who did more. It's not that I love you wasn't enough for me. It wasn't enough for you. If you really loved me as much as you said, why couldn't you have just done what I asked? Why is it that everything has to be a battle? If we do work this out, I'm probably going to be the one who'll go first. If we ever talk again, I'll be the one who has to call you, or go see you. You left your house at 11:30 yesterday. I got home from Pauma at 7:15 in the morning. I spent the next 45 minutes calling you, our friends, and your dad, while driving around frantically, hoping I'd find you. I was worried. I always worry about you. But, sometimes, I'm not always worried about your safety. Now, I'm worried that you're at some other guy's house. I worry that you're spending the night with him, risking it all for someone you hardly know, but could never do for me. I'm not asking you to understand this, but you don't know how much it scares me, and hurts me, to know that you're not home, or someplace that I know you're safe. I must have called you non-stop for 10 minutes, and you didn't pick up. I doubt you were asleep, considering you were awake enough to write a blog. I ended up calling Lisa, Kim Nguyen, even Kim Loftis, and I already know she hates me. It's hard enough to deal with knowing that, but I called her anyway. I finally called your parents, and your dad told me you were at Laura's. I hope you really were, and didn't lie like you did before. It would kill me. After he told me that, and since I couldn't check for myself, I went home. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, going around driving like that. I could hardly stay awake. Even now, I'm having problems keeping my eyes open, but my heart is pounding, and I'm having a hard time breathing, so I guess that might be something that's keeping me awake. Even if you weren't at Laura's, I guess you're safe. I don't know what you did last night, and I'm not sure if I want to, but I'm guessing you're okay.

If you're really going to stay out of my life, and not talk to me about any of this, then I hope that works out well for you. If you decide to do what I've been trying to get you to do for a long time now, I'd be more than happy to have that kind of good fortune come my way.

It's almost 8:30, I've hardly slept, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I'm not going to sleep, so I don't know what I'm going to do next. I really want to pack my bag and run away. I don't think I want to be around when you decide not to be a part of my life anyway.

By the way, I always wished that story you wrote me for my birthday would come true. I guess there isn't much sense in putting all your faith into fairytales, but I still sleep with it by my bed, and I'll always read it when I'm feeling blue. It kept my demons away. All of them. You'll never know how much you, and that story really mean to me, but you don't need to. I fear that by now, any of that information is too late to do any good anyway.

Take care of yourself, Erin Kathleen Reilly. I never regretted a second of what we had.


Yours truly,
Omar Syjuco Goswami





P.S.: I love you too.

Catalina

I was really sad that you left tonight. You didn't even stay for my last night in town. Sure, I'll only be gone until Tuesday, but you could have stayed just for a little while. By the way, it doesn't help at all that you can text me, saying that you're home, but won't reply to anything else I have to say afterwards.

I'm actually pretty upset right now. Maybe a long run will help.

The only thing that sucks about running is I end up right back where I started.

Catalina, I hope you make me feel better. God knows, I need something. Anything.

See you all whenever.

It's funny.

I can't believe the irony of blurting out all the things that make me cry when I'm alone while I'm sitting in the middle of the happiest place on earth.

Dear Erin,
     I talked about you today. I said the usual things I say when I'm feeling sad and talking to you about us. That doesn't define who you are to me. Or to anyone else. Not anyone that matters, at least. I'm trying to think of a thousand other things to say besides "I love you" because I feel that you grow tired of me saying it to you in any situation that's sad. The thing is, I don't want to say anything besides "I love you". It's all I need to say. If you really understood what it means when I say it, you'd know that "I love you" is all I need to say. For all the things I've been through, all the things you've put me through, all the things I've put you through, and all the things we've been through together, I still have to have you. I've hugged you so many times, and have given you so many kisses, it'd take the rest of our lives to count them all. I still have that insatiable urge to hug and kiss you like when a couple first gets together. You can believe anything you want to believe about me and how I feel. That won't change how I actually feel.

I love you.

Disneyland

Today, I told you everything that breaks my heart. What's funny is that it broke my heart to tell you, and not the people I thought would actually want to hear this from me. I felt terrible for making you sit through all the things I feel every day. Maybe if things were different, I wouldn't be in this position right now. Maybe I wouldn't be the way I am. I feel like I push everyone away these days. And the ones I don't feel like I'm pushing away are the ones I'd like to push away. I feel like I'm losing the ones I'd take a bullet for, and gaining ones I'd like to put a bullet in. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess, this is the only thing that will listen without me feeling like a burden.

Dear Class of '08 (minus Shanell, Stephanie, and Angela),
     Fuck you. You were all so stuck up. I didn't even know a fraction of the lot of you who hated me. I'd seriously love to meet you all in person someday. It'd make my day to give you all a black eye and a few bruised ribs.

Dear best friend,
     You're one of the only people who I have never EVER grown tired of. I could spend every day hanging out with you, and it wouldn't matter what we did. I'd still have fun. You're my best friend. I've never been closer to anyone. Just know, I'll always be here if you want a best friend. A judgmental, self-righteous, boring, egotistical, arrogant, ignorant, stupid, and any other kind of negative adjective you can think of, best friend.

Dear Class of '10
     You're just as bad as '08. Passing judgment on those you don't know. Don't fuck with this "goat".

Dear drummer,
     You know, I have to be your roommate next year. Quite frankly, I'm already having a hard time dealing with you. You're so stuck up about music that the rest of us as a band has to try so hard to please you. You're reasoning for not playing half of the stuff we'd like to play is total bullshit. You're not even that good. Oh, and quit making jokes about my girlfriend, and talking shit about my friend behind his back. I swear on my fist, the next time you make a sex joke about Erin, or say something about my friend,  I'll drive my fist right through your face.

Dear bassist,
     I love you. I'm sorry about how I've been lately, but please trust me. It's for your benefit and my own. What I will say is that what you said about my friend at Lisa's really pissed me off.

Dear guitarist,
     You're dumb, but I love you. You manage to make me laugh by irritating me with your impeccably retarded, yet genius logic. Come back from 'Nam soon, please.

Dear little girl,
     I'll be your friend, but I want you to know that you need to learn to apologize to people. Sooner or later, you'll run out of friends to walk all over.

I know I'm flawed. I know I have no right to point a finger at any of you. I know that some of you may not talk to me after this. I also know that most of you won't even know this is here. Maybe it's best that way. I guess I just have to keep struggling until I break. I don't know what I did to deserve all of the things that kill little pieces of me, but to think that I'd deserve to be completely alone, without a single person who will ever be truly honest with me. I must have done something terrible, or maybe I'm just one hell of a bastard. All I know is that my heart is broken. Not by any single person, or action, but by everything.

I need to put this down somewhere.

You have no idea how much it hurts to be me everyday.

Am I supposed to keep my mouth shut?

I'm an honest person. I appreciate honesty. But, do I tell you how I feel and break your heart, or do I let it slide and leave it at this? Either way, someone gets hurt. I just think my pride is a more capable victim.

I don't know what I want to say.

Who would think it? Not even 20 years old, and I see songs in everything. One day, I'm going to release all of them. Some day, everyone will hear every song I've ever written. Every spiteful word. Every witty pun. Every last bit of it. When that day comes, you'll all know where you stand. Some of you better get the fuck out of my way.

Watch the world

You know, you can get away with anything if you're pretty. It's crazy how we let people get away with murder, so long as they're pretty. I've done it enough times to know that even I let the good looking ones do whatever they want.

I broke down two days in a row. At times, even I'm amazed by how depressed I can be, but I'm just as blown away at how happy I can be.

I know I write a lot of depressing things, and I never write about what makes me happy. If I do, it gets nowhere near as much time or effort as the sad stuff. That doesn't mean I'm not happy. I just don't feel the need to vent when I'm happy.

I wanted to write more, but all I can think about right now is running, and kickflips.

I do want to say this: All I do these days is watch the world.

This is just how it is.

This is the 24th day in a row I've gone to bed feeling terrible. Some days, there are reasons. Other days, I'm just paranoid. I had a bonding with two people the other day. One of them still lied to me. I don't know how to stress this enough. All I'm asking for is some honesty. If you can't be honest with me, then we're obviously not good friends, are we? If anybody should have trust issues, it should be me. If anybody should have anger issues, it's me. If anybody should have depression issues, it's me. Nobody knows what I'm going through. And, not a damn person has cared enough to ask. Not my parents. Not my "friends". No one.

What sucks isn't that no one will be honest with me or that no one's cared to ask me how I feel about anything; what sucks is that I'm really starting to not care at all anymore.


I feel like I'm growing apart from everyone. I don't feel comfortable anymore. Hell, I don't even know my so-called friends as well as I thought I did. What I hate is how everyone knows everything about me, and I don't know a damn thing about anyone.

Erin: Don't you dare say he's not hitting on you. If this doesn't stop, then I'll end it myself. For our sake, I hope you set him straight.
Jonathan: This isn't a damn game. Quit talking like it's no big deal.
Ryan: We sat there and had a heart to heart. All three of us. And I find out, yet again, that the truth was withheld.
Jesus: I honestly think you only talk to me so I'll give you rides. Most of the time, that's all you ever talk to me for. To think, I sat there with you through damn near everything, and all I am to you is a ride to wherever.
Bryan: We've been off-ish lately. Both my mistake and yours.
Kim: I don't think you meant a thing you said.
Taylor: Promise me you won't let yourself get hurt by this.

To everybody else: You know, I try really hard to be nice, and not one of you has ever asked me how I feel about anything.

Anyway, I have practice at noon. Chances are I'm going to feel like shit tomorrow. It's all the same, at this point.

I really hate to say this, but to whoever reads this: Fuck you.

Today, I played music

I mustered up some solo I didn't know I could do. I took influences from so many things I couldn't even begin to list them. Today was intense, in a bluesy sense.

Hey, look. I'm even rhyming now. Nice.

I have to say

It really sucks having dad issues. Just when you think you can't cry anymore, you grab your "World's Best Dad" mug, and bask in the irony until the heart goes numb.

I hate you. So much. You will always be the biggest piece of shit loser to me.

I love you. So much. You will always be the best dad ever.

I think the only person on this planet who misses you or has any sense of respect for you is me, and I'm getting around to feeling the same way as the rest of the world

I hope you don't die alone. God knows I want to be there to tell you I love you because I'll never forget all the loneliness and heartache. That's why I want to be there when you die. To give you what you never gave me. It's poetic justice, the ultimate irony, and perfect revenge.

Here.

I'll be honest. I hate it when you flirt with other guys. Especially behind my back. I hate when you lie to me. I hate being in the dark. I hate how you can always make me worry. I hate how you always make me worry. And, I really hate how you're the only person I've ever known who can get to me like this. I'm not mad, or sad. This is just some epiphany that was painfully obvious long ago, I just wanted to write it down, and that's it. I guess, I'm just writing this here so you can't say I never told you EXACTLY what bothers me. You know how you get technical about this stuff. So, I'll play your way. I won't expect you to assume things bother me anymore. I'll get more and more specific as time goes on, and you can choose to respect those things, or disregard them.

I love you. I really do. I just hope you get it now.

Wow.

It would seem that I'm quite the hot topic.

What's the date today?

I don't even think it matters at this point. I just know that today was the day that I realized that I'm fed up with all these problems. I'm tired of everyone giving me something else to stress about. I'm tired of trying to be nice. I feel like I have to throw up. It blew my mind to find out that I'm stressed through my body showing physical signs of tension. Then, it all hit me like Manny Pacquiao. I realized just how much I'm really, really fucking tired of. One day. One day, I'll snap. Then, maybe people will learn that I hurt too, sometimes.

"It's time to leave, you'll never be lonely again."

I can't wait for the day someone says that to me.

This time.

Today, my mom and I got in another fight. How many times do you seriously HAVE to tell me not to do badly in classes anymore? I'm 19. I get it. When you tell me that I can't get a C whenever you talk to me, it's going to make me mad. Maybe instead of jumping on my case for the C, you could give me some credit for pulling up yet another shitty Freshman GPA. But, of course, that doesn't cross your mind. 

You just pay attention to the fact that I got upset, so it's "attitude"(could the quotations be anymore ironic?). 

Anyway, you made eggs for breakfast. My favorite. 

Except, this time, there weren't any for me. 

Yellowcard

I just realized how much I miss you. 

Miles Apart, please take me away. 

And, Life of a Salesman, I'll always keep you close to my heart. 

Driving home.

I cried during my drive home this morning. I was feeling fine, then it just snuck up on me. I'm okay, but sometimes I need to shed a few tears to help mend a broken heart.


P.S. I'm really glad nobody reads this anymore. 

No Use For A Name - Black Box

Up here sedated in my seat,
Can't wait until i can see my feet
And run away from stupid things i've said
I'll be here a few days from now,
We'll talk about it when i come down
If we make it this time, I'll clean the stain i've bled

Our worlds collide in new beginnings
It's an emergency permission to bail out
So when the heart crash lands,
What memories will survive?
I thank my black box that i'm alive

I feel unlucky today, can't wash the panic off my face
Didn't learn a thing from the last time
I'ts so selfish to be so confused,
Heart beats like rapid fire
So close to the edge but far away in mind

Two days to go until i see you
Looks like we can call the ambulance down there
My head is touching down i've learned to be afraid
I thank my black box that you're the same 

Almost forgot.

I really wanted to talk tonight. But, come tomorrow morning, I'll be too tired, and stressed to worry about that anymore. Oh, well. I guess, it's better that way.

It kind of really bugs me

that people only have things to say about my blogs that bash people. If that's all you're going to comment on, get the fuck off my blog and don't comment at all. I didn't start this so people could get their jollies off on my rants.

GAAAAAH

You stupid, piece of shit, jizz licking fuckbag. You're the biggest oxymoron ever.

"Fight for fairness! But, if you don't agree with what I say, fuck you! You don't deserve to be here.
Don't forget, any fight, no matter how little or stupid, or useless it is is not for naught! We have to make sure everyone knows, there's more than two genders now! We can be man, woman, and yes, you guessed it: MANBEARPIGS. How fanfuckingtastic is that? I'm going to shit my pants! but, since I'm so not heteronormative, my poop is rainbow colored. Plus, I have no race. I'm just a species."

There's so much more that could fit there, but I'd rather not waste my time pretending to be you out of fear of becoming you.

Just so you know, shoving your beliefs down our throats won't make us agree. It makes us fight for the opposite. Isn't that what happened to you? IRONY

It's great how you started all this shit because of the way you were treated, and now you treat people the same way. It's like far left wing versus the far right wing. Both are retarded, they just have differing values.

The way you act is a shame to all of the movements you support. You make them look so bad, and I can't take any of your shit seriously because you're so gung ho about being a sore bitch because people don't want to hear you whine and complain about FUCKING PRONOUNS, or some other stupid shit like that. Do us all a favor and shut the fuck up. We want peace and quiet. For someone who's fighting for peace, you sure are disrupting what little peace we do have.

I seriously hope God, or whatever you may call him at this point, hits you with the biggest brick of irony. By the way, do you believe that Jesus has a gender, or was he gay? Bi? Anything in your Long Beach Ghetto Tower community?

Just so you know, being gay, or being called gay isn't an insult. So, stop preaching like it is. If you want it to be accepted, then act like it is. Don't preach like it isn't. At that point, you're just reinforcing the idea.

So, go to hell. I hope it's full of homophobes, and all kinds of bullshit for you to rage at. Then, you can lecture, rant, and rave all you like. But, until then, do us all a favor.

Eat a dick, and shut the fuck up.

I'm sweaty, out of breath, and I just want to lie down.

Too bad I've got a paper to write, lines to memorize, and another paper to start researching.

Anyway, I guess I'm kind of sad, but not super sad. Just a little bummed because of the last few days. It's okay though, nothing serious. I'm sure things will get better. It's just coincidence and bad timing. That's all, I guess.

On to what this is supposed to be about.

Gosh, I've missed running. I hate jogging, but running. Oh, man. That's where it's at. Out of breath after 400 meters, and having 1200 more to push through. I love trying to push how far I can go at a fast pace because when I slow down, I still have more to finish. It's like a challenge, but a little one that I can do over and over again. Each time, I get closer to not failing. It's my chance to make up for every race I lost, every set I died on, every time I skipped out on extra lifting and practice, and all the times I went to Carl's, Denny's, or In N' Out. I get to tell my fat stomach, "Fuck you," and take off like I never stopped running. Sure, it sucks being that tired, and out of shape, but what's the point of getting in shape, if you never get out of shape to begin with? I sprint at the end of each run, regardless of how tired I am. My form has gotten really shitty, but it's also changed for the better. Maybe, I can fix it, and be better than ever. Until then, I'm just going to keep running. Summer's coming up, and I'm not about to be fat and lazy this summer. I've got so much to do, and such little time. I need as much energy as possible. I guess, that's it for now. On to my paper and lines.

Oh, and Cal Poly, you better watch out. You might have a new sprinter next year.

All I can say is

This is your just desserts. Both of you.

Here it comes.

The second I read the first few sentences, I knew. And, I'm really truly extremely sorry for how I've been. I've just been so upset about the stupidest things, and I know I've never really given anything a chance. Maybe this was a mistake. Something that should have stayed casual, but didn't. I know in the end, I can probably only be alone because this is the one part about my life that I want to do my own way. Maybe I can learn to compromise. Or, maybe I can't. I just. I can't stand a lot of this anymore. I let go of everything- and I mean everything- I held important in my eyes. I destroyed the entire basis of what made me, well. Me. And, this. This is something I feel so strongly about, I'm going to be a dick about it until I'm satisfied. This is what I'm in control of. This is what I say it is. This is what I want it to be. This sounds how I make it sound. This is me. I put my entire soul, heart, life, and feeling into this. It's me without the body, flowing through others and showing them who I am, not in body, but in mind and spirit.

I'm sorry I'm such an asshole. And, I'm sorry I never gave anything a chance. But, I'd really suggest ending this now, just so we can still be friends.

Like I said before, I love you. You're one of my dearest friends, as well as one of the best. And, to this day, I can't think of a thing you weren't there for me for. For that, I will always be grateful. And, you know, I'll be here for you. For anything you want or need. I'll play anything for and with you, without saying a word, if that's what you want. I'll do it all. But, if you want to know what I think, I'm going to be honest. If you want my opinion, I'll be honest. But, I am wrong for shutting you down without a chance. So, for that, I'm forever sorry.

Please, don't hate me. You're one of the few friends I still have.

Yesterday.

Was a good day. Had fun, and felt really happy. Still really happy. :]

Raindrops.

I ran today. Four miles in the rain. I went super slow, and let myself wander. All I did was listen to John Mayer's "Gravity" the whole time. You know how many times you can listen to that song in an hour? Neither do I, nor do I care. I cried the whole time. I miss a lot of my old friends. I miss a lot of people I don't talk to anymore. I miss when we all cared. I miss being happy. I'd love to sit down with everyone, anyone, one on one, and tell them how I feel about them. All the good, and the bad. Then, if you all decided to hate me afterwards, that's fine.

All I know right now is that running in the rain is what kept me going today. It's quite amazing, and if you haven't already tried it, I definitely suggest you do, whoever still reads this.

Gravity

I'm sitting here, listening to John Mayer, and that alone is probably what's keeping me here. I'm not going to lie, my life is really fucking hard right now, and the hugest part of me just wants to curl up into a little ball and die. Yeah, I've got a lot to be thankful for, but it does me no good when I hate myself. Please, don't ask why, I just do. I keep playing "Gravity" over and over, and it seems that every time it ends, it comes too soon. Anyway, I just don't know what to do right now. I feel cheap, used, stupid, immoral, and most of all, just plain old sad. I gave up my morals for a stupid decision that didn't even help me. Cheap thrills are the stupidest things. They're also the darnedest. I hate them, and how I can't seem to stay away from them.

So, my depression, my sadness, my problems, are all my fault. Just my own. My unhappiness is my own doing. Right now, forget my dreams, ambitions, goals, aspirations, and anything else that motivates me.

Oh, gravity. Stay the hell away from me.

This is going to sound really funny.

I feel used.

So, thanks. Now, I really hate myself.

R.I.P. Self Esteem: 19??-2010

These past few weeks

have totally and completely helped me.

I know this is wrong,

but I'm really upset at the both of you because of the way you treat people. It just sucks that we used to be close.

But, to you. The way you treat us, is just fucking wrong.

And, you? The way you treat them is even worse.

So, as your friend, I say,

Fuck the both of you, and grow the fuck up.

You know.

I seriously thought you'd have been there. Maybe I was wrong.

I'd like to clarify something

A lot of people say it's okay for people to get abortions if they're raped. It doesn't matter if they're raped or not, they have the right to abort, regardless. I just don't like when people use it as an excuse like a woman wouldn't want a child just because she was raped.

Just so you know why I'm saying this, my mom was raped, and I am the product of said abuse. I happen to think I'm pretty fucking awesome considering most people, or women, wouldn't have kept me. So, when you argue that women who get pregnant through rape don't want the child, think again.

Keep it beating.

I'm still human. I know I am. At least, I think so. I couldn't really tell you if you asked me what made me human, so maybe I'm not. Lately, my emotions have surprised me. I've managed to buck up to the hardest of hardships I've had to face so far in my life. I don't even know where the strength came from, nor do I know who the hell lent me their sense of understanding. All I know is I hope it's all for a good reason. This was extremely hard for me. Well, maybe not me, but just my heart. That's the ticket, it seems. My mind, my emotions, my body, and everything else about me is quite fine.

I can just feel that one feeling that we all know too well. That one that just sits in the pit of your stomach for no apparent reason. I'm not even sad. But, I can tell my heart hurts. It's hurting like never before. There's just something that's keeping the dam from breaking. Whatever it is, I'm forever grateful for it. My mom's yelling at me to come eat now, so I'm cutting this a bit short.

Someone, anyone. Please. Save my heart. I really need it, and this is the one time I can't save it myself.

something says

I'm not really okay.

81

This is my 81st post. Not really a special number. But, I guess it's more so what I have to say that's really important.

After all of this, I will say with confidence that I'm a man.

Seashell

I found you at the beach today. Everyone saw it, and said, "Wow, that's a big shell," and for the most part, it was. I just happened to see more than that. I saw something beautiful, and something that struck me as extremely familiar. This seashell meant a lot to me. On the outside, were ridges, holes, stains, and a crack. It showed imperfection, and on some level, a kind of struggle. But, on the inside, it was smooth, pearly, and had a color that just mesmerized me.

It just reminded me so much of our relationship. Everything we've been through, on display for the world. Everyone could see the rough parts, the holes, and the cracks in our relationship, but to those few who delved deeper, and looked under the shell, they saw beauty, happiness, color, and a simplicity hiding under a chaotic exterior.

It's just another shell to you, but it's a story about love to me.

A nice warming topic for once.

I was talking to someone really important, about something unimportant, when I had a bit of an epiphany.

Everybody wants to have sex with loads of people. Some part of you, no matter how small it is, wants it. We all do. But, there's always that one person who makes you think twice. Their presence makes a fork in the road. You look down both ends, and you wonder why. Why is it that this one person is making me choose? Logic would say, "Hang a right. There's a few good memories and stories to tell your friends." Not to mention, it's more than one person. More chances, right? Then, you look to the left, and although it doesn't seem as action packed, for some reason, you just can't pass it up.

It's that person. The one who makes you second guess what you're used to. The one who can get you to stop drinking because it hurts them, or the one who can get you to stop yelling when they cry. The one whose tears wet your eyes too. There will always be one person for you who's like that.

I've also had it pointed out that there can be more than one of that person in some cases, for some people. I answered that like this.

"Think of a puzzle. Now, there's a piece. There's only one other shape that fits there. There may be other pieces that fit into that slot the same way though. That's comparable to what you're saying, right?"

"Right"

"Well, even though the shape fits, the picture doesn't match up."

Yeah, we can love more than one person. Most people will fall in love with more than one person in the span of their lives. But, there will only be one "that" person.

It always makes me feel better when...

People I used to think were cute, see me and tell me that I've gotten better looking. It's always like a big "suck it" they throw in their own faces. Plus, it's not too bad for the self-confidence.

Bam.

It's 2:30 in the morning. I have class in 7 hours, which means I have to be up in 5 or so. Stayed up late again, but because I am genuinely sad. Legitimately, genuinely, undoubtedly sad. And, there's nothing I can do about any of this. At least, not right now.

Someday soon though. I'll break it. I'll break you, and you. However either of you chooses to break will be up to you, but you know why I'm so sad, and why I'm going to be this way.

I'm sorry you just don't get why I do these things.
I'm sorry you don't care why.
And, I'm sorry it's not what you want.
But, I'm most sorry for the fact that I'm doing this for you, and you don't care to do a thing for me.

Maybe, someday, you'll learn. And, I hope the next person will be as caring as I was.

-

Thanks for ruining my day again.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, we all need a pick-me-up.
Sometimes, it comes from within us.

I realized something. I may suck at school, at life, and just about anything anyone can say about me. I will give you that. But, the day I die, something amazing will happen. Why? Because when something bad leaves this world, something just as bad will take its place. And, in my case, something amazing will happen. I've spent absurd amounts of time trying to make an impact on everyone. I've tried to be as good a person as I could.

So, whoever is going to take my place when I'm gone, I hope you find our job easier than I did. And, I'm sorry for what you're going to go through.

Erin

I know this is going to sound sarcastic, given the circumstances, but here goes.

I never really thanked you for everything you've done for me. Thanks for being there when my parents weren't. Thanks for hearing me out when no one else would. Thanks for comforting me when I didn't have anywhere to turn. And, in a way, thanks for helping me grow up. For the longest time, I just couldn't get past what you did. I'm not reprimanding you, I'm just saying. But, after all this time, I'm finally over it. I feel like I've grown from that experience, no matter how long it took me. So, really. Thanks for that. I couldn't stress that enough.

I will always love you. Always.

831 A&F. *points at self**heart**points at you*

Even though we're mad, and we won't say sorry, I'm sorry this didn't work. I love you.

I can't explain the depth of it because I've never had to describe anything remotely close to it, but I love you with all of my heart.

Just so you know, I'm sorry for being a dick sometimes. And, I'm sorry I didn't say it earlier.

I love you.

Dear Mom.

I love you, and I always will.

But, it's taken me this long to realize that I can't talk to you anymore. What's worse is that you'll never try to listen to what I have to say to tell you that you're hurting me, or that maybe you're being a jackass. I'm not perfect, but I listen to what you have to say. And, you know that I don't listen to you just because you're my mom. I only listen to you because you don't listen to me. I figure if I can learn to listen to those who put me down, what else can they do?

All I can say is you pushed me too far this time, Mom.

Say goodbye to our talks, and the son who opened up to you.

Thanks for breaking me, Mom. Not that you'll ever really know, or care.

Love, eh. You know.

Here goes.

Dear life, you win.

I'm a cheater.

I lie as if my life depended on it.

I forget about everything and everyone.

Not much matters to me anymore.

I've lost my interest in skating.

I don't care to run anymore.

I don't even want to finish writing this blog.

I get hurt easily.

I see flaws in everything.

You're my best friends, but I absolutely hate talking to you guys about anything intellectual because you just make me feel inferior. Sorry for not being omniscient.

You know what I feel like right now?

A burden.

I'm sorry that I whine. I'm sorry I complain. I'm sorry I'm sensitive. I'm sorry that you all have better things to do.

But, if you can't accept that about me, then I don't need you. Any of you.