I just posted a blog a little while ago, but I went reading through old blogs that friends have written, and well, I have something to say.
Taylor, I've known you for what seems to be forever. I'd probably be out whoring for crack right now if it weren't for you and a few other people, but that's beside my purpose in writing this. You're one of my dearest friends, and I'm so so so so sorry that I don't really answer you on AIM, that I'm a critical jackass, I talk out of my ass half the time, and every other way I seem to be able to wrong you. You've never ever gotten mad at me (not to the point where there's been a problem), and I can't ever thank you enough for all the crap you've put up with for me, and all my bitching you've had to sit through. I know that I do tell you these things, but it never seems to be enough, and I'll never be able to express how grateful I am to have you as a friend, no fuck that, a best friend. And, I don't care what the word "best" means; you can have more than one. So, fuck you, English Language, SMD. Yeah, I stole that one from you, Tay. I'm sure you'll probably never read this because you don't use this anymore, which I guess, is a good thing because it means you either have ways to vent when you have problems, or you don't have problems to talk about.
I'm really not sure why I wrote this, but to be honest, I think you're one of few people who I try so hard NOT to take for granted, which is why I try to tell you that I appreciate all the things you do for me.
I just. I don't know. You're amazing, and you're one of my best friends in the whole wide ever. Yeah, I said it like that on purpose.
I love you.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Yeah, wow.
Holy shit.
What the hell is wrong with people and their use of the internet?
Profile pictures are Pokemon?
Oh, and that whole "group" thing got old fast. There's even a group now that's called, "I Join Too Many Groups Because I Look At Them And Say, 'OMG. THAT'S SO TRUE!'"
Gosh. What have we become?
On a side note, look at how every idea is separated with a big space!
Oh, and Merry Christmas. I love all of you. :] <3
What the hell is wrong with people and their use of the internet?
Profile pictures are Pokemon?
Oh, and that whole "group" thing got old fast. There's even a group now that's called, "I Join Too Many Groups Because I Look At Them And Say, 'OMG. THAT'S SO TRUE!'"
Gosh. What have we become?
On a side note, look at how every idea is separated with a big space!
Oh, and Merry Christmas. I love all of you. :] <3
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Another, for the road.
Things are kind of weird right now. I'm not even sure why I'm writing.
It's amazing how one email can completely knock me on my ass and hit me where it hurts, regardless of how old the email is.
As the days pass, I'm starting to see the huge differences between runner me, and lazy college me.
Knowing what I do now, your last few blogs make me want to cry, a lot. If you understand this, please. Don't ever hesitate to bug me for anything. I'll be here.
Just 10 minutes alone, and I see all the bad. I lose sight of all the good.
Now, as I cough myself into oblivion, all I can do is stare at the wall, and play with my tech deck.
It's amazing how one email can completely knock me on my ass and hit me where it hurts, regardless of how old the email is.
As the days pass, I'm starting to see the huge differences between runner me, and lazy college me.
Knowing what I do now, your last few blogs make me want to cry, a lot. If you understand this, please. Don't ever hesitate to bug me for anything. I'll be here.
Just 10 minutes alone, and I see all the bad. I lose sight of all the good.
Now, as I cough myself into oblivion, all I can do is stare at the wall, and play with my tech deck.
Sometimes, I hate that I save things.
You want to know the saddest thing I've ever read?
"no pain no hurt, no sorrow, no hate, no longing, no love. nothing"
It's past, but I still remember.
"no pain no hurt, no sorrow, no hate, no longing, no love. nothing"
It's past, but I still remember.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Dead?
I don't think anyone reads this anymore. I shall find a new way to vent!
If I can get a splitter, and a mic, I'll record songs all day. Birthday gifts? :]
Anyway, this will probably be my last post. Later.
If I can get a splitter, and a mic, I'll record songs all day. Birthday gifts? :]
Anyway, this will probably be my last post. Later.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Let's be honest. Sounds good to me.
"Gum" - So so so long ago. People say you never really got over me, but I think you just find me aesthetically pleasing. I'll never really know, and I'm sure you'll never be completely honest about it to anyone, so what's the use in trying to find out, you know? I know that a bunch of people have their issues with you, but no one's perfect, and we've come to be pretty cordial to each other.
"White Out" - You were the one girl who I couldn't ever really get around to being straight up with. Not that you were anything super special, or different. I was 12-13, and I just didn't really know what to do. For some reason, I had it stuck in my mind that girls became different in junior high and I wasn't supposed to understand them. Then, I realized that at the end of the day, we're all just people. Too bad we never really became friends. I really do hope life's treating you well though.
"Ball" - Haha. Everyone talks about how hot you were/are/have become/whatever. I find it kind of odd how we managed to break up and almost never speak again. Then, bam. Junior year, we talk, and everything's cool? How odd. And, what up with the whole rival thing? It makes me want to ask you if he ever tells you stories about me, but at the same time, I really don't care. He and I are so alike, it's stupid. I guess I'm glad we never really let our relationship get too far though. I wouldn't be where I am right now.
"Sun" - Holy shit. You were such a bitch to me. I put up with you for so long, and all my friends watched as you tore me apart. What's worse is they tried to help me, but I was just so damn attached. I'm pretty sure I had to be somewhat of a masochist to do that for so long, but whatever. What I always fail to mention is how you did kind of save me at one point. I'll never be able to thank you enough for helping me. Whether or not you were genuine in your intentions, it was all the same to me. You were good to me for a while, regardless of the cheating. So, even though I'll always remember you as the ruthless, cold-hearted, cutthroat bitch; you'll always be the ruthless, cold-hearted, cutthroat bitch who saved my life.
"Speedy" - I liked you. You liked me. I was down. You were way too shy. Turns out, we became pretty good friends, and you always seem excited to see me, so maybe it's a good thing nothing ever happened. I'm really sorry about your heart, and if I didn't use mine so much, I'd give it to you in a heartbeat. God knows you'd do much more with it than I ever could. God speed, kiddo.
"12am" - We had such a huge falling out. To this day, I'm still sorry. I know you've gotten past it, but just know, if you ever read this that is, that I've never forgiven myself. Although you love something that I abhor, you're still a nice person. Let's get to know each other again.
"Food Coma" - We don't talk anymore. You don't care, nor do I. It's sad really. Even aside from the relationship thing, we really clicked. I was hoping you'd be one of the few friends who I could always run to, considering you understand change as much as I do. But, what's different between us is that even though we've both changed, I still reach out to those I don't see anymore. I don't blow them off after getting their hopes up for 5 months. I get the feeling that you think I still have feelings for you. You have no idea how much I want you to know I only wanted to be your friend. As desperate as I may sound, I was just so broken because you blew me off. You didn't even care.
"Dance" - You're cute. You're nice. You're really fun. But, you're way too straight-forward. How shady was it that you just so happened to break it off with your boyfriend just after you met me? Still though, you turned out to be a good friend. You were really cool about it too. I'm not sure why, but you were. Sorry about the 1090 thing though.
"Hot Head" - Goodness, they said you were obsessed. I saw it too. But, I'll be honest. I really liked you. You were everything I was looking for at the time, and you were a blast. But, honestly, YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY.
"Green Belt" - You are the only girl who has ever asked me to Sadies without me having to say anything. That's probably one of the sweetest things anyone's ever done for me. You may not have done anything special, and it was super last minute, but still, you asked. Thank you.
"Capital Lights" - You had me all mixed up for a good three days. I mean, it's not a long time, but it definitely is when you only have two weeks together. I knew you liked me even though you had a boyfriend. I didn't care. I just wanted to be friends. I'm glad we are.
"Elmo" - We had a pretty strong connection, but you were way too young for me. It's a good thing nothing ever happened between us, but you did save me from something pretty bad. Thanks for that. Oh, and I'm still really sorry for getting your hopes up. I hope you'll be able to forgive me.
"Warped" - We did have a connection. We did have something that was kindasortamaybe special, but it really wasn't. You were fucked up, and apparently I was just a trophy to you. How dare you hurt him. How dare you use me. How dare you act like you're better than the rest of us. Go to hell.
"Peach Rings" - You should have asked me.
"Bipolar" - You go through your phases of being totally in love with me and completely hating me. You need to realize that I'm not your boyfriend. We're just friends. You're a good friend, but don't let that fool you into thinking that I'm going to forget about my girlfriend for you.
"Sigh" - I chose that name for you because it can be taken in both a positive and negative way. Somedays, you make me hate everything about myself and being alive. Others, you make me feel like I can take on the world. What can I say though? You're the greatest girl in the whole world. I don't care what you think. You're sweet, considerate, smart, beautiful, and just about any other positive word I can think of. We fight, but who doesn't? I just hope I can be the one you're waiting for, because damn it. I love you.
"White Out" - You were the one girl who I couldn't ever really get around to being straight up with. Not that you were anything super special, or different. I was 12-13, and I just didn't really know what to do. For some reason, I had it stuck in my mind that girls became different in junior high and I wasn't supposed to understand them. Then, I realized that at the end of the day, we're all just people. Too bad we never really became friends. I really do hope life's treating you well though.
"Ball" - Haha. Everyone talks about how hot you were/are/have become/whatever. I find it kind of odd how we managed to break up and almost never speak again. Then, bam. Junior year, we talk, and everything's cool? How odd. And, what up with the whole rival thing? It makes me want to ask you if he ever tells you stories about me, but at the same time, I really don't care. He and I are so alike, it's stupid. I guess I'm glad we never really let our relationship get too far though. I wouldn't be where I am right now.
"Sun" - Holy shit. You were such a bitch to me. I put up with you for so long, and all my friends watched as you tore me apart. What's worse is they tried to help me, but I was just so damn attached. I'm pretty sure I had to be somewhat of a masochist to do that for so long, but whatever. What I always fail to mention is how you did kind of save me at one point. I'll never be able to thank you enough for helping me. Whether or not you were genuine in your intentions, it was all the same to me. You were good to me for a while, regardless of the cheating. So, even though I'll always remember you as the ruthless, cold-hearted, cutthroat bitch; you'll always be the ruthless, cold-hearted, cutthroat bitch who saved my life.
"Speedy" - I liked you. You liked me. I was down. You were way too shy. Turns out, we became pretty good friends, and you always seem excited to see me, so maybe it's a good thing nothing ever happened. I'm really sorry about your heart, and if I didn't use mine so much, I'd give it to you in a heartbeat. God knows you'd do much more with it than I ever could. God speed, kiddo.
"12am" - We had such a huge falling out. To this day, I'm still sorry. I know you've gotten past it, but just know, if you ever read this that is, that I've never forgiven myself. Although you love something that I abhor, you're still a nice person. Let's get to know each other again.
"Food Coma" - We don't talk anymore. You don't care, nor do I. It's sad really. Even aside from the relationship thing, we really clicked. I was hoping you'd be one of the few friends who I could always run to, considering you understand change as much as I do. But, what's different between us is that even though we've both changed, I still reach out to those I don't see anymore. I don't blow them off after getting their hopes up for 5 months. I get the feeling that you think I still have feelings for you. You have no idea how much I want you to know I only wanted to be your friend. As desperate as I may sound, I was just so broken because you blew me off. You didn't even care.
"Dance" - You're cute. You're nice. You're really fun. But, you're way too straight-forward. How shady was it that you just so happened to break it off with your boyfriend just after you met me? Still though, you turned out to be a good friend. You were really cool about it too. I'm not sure why, but you were. Sorry about the 1090 thing though.
"Hot Head" - Goodness, they said you were obsessed. I saw it too. But, I'll be honest. I really liked you. You were everything I was looking for at the time, and you were a blast. But, honestly, YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY.
"Green Belt" - You are the only girl who has ever asked me to Sadies without me having to say anything. That's probably one of the sweetest things anyone's ever done for me. You may not have done anything special, and it was super last minute, but still, you asked. Thank you.
"Capital Lights" - You had me all mixed up for a good three days. I mean, it's not a long time, but it definitely is when you only have two weeks together. I knew you liked me even though you had a boyfriend. I didn't care. I just wanted to be friends. I'm glad we are.
"Elmo" - We had a pretty strong connection, but you were way too young for me. It's a good thing nothing ever happened between us, but you did save me from something pretty bad. Thanks for that. Oh, and I'm still really sorry for getting your hopes up. I hope you'll be able to forgive me.
"Warped" - We did have a connection. We did have something that was kindasortamaybe special, but it really wasn't. You were fucked up, and apparently I was just a trophy to you. How dare you hurt him. How dare you use me. How dare you act like you're better than the rest of us. Go to hell.
"Peach Rings" - You should have asked me.
"Bipolar" - You go through your phases of being totally in love with me and completely hating me. You need to realize that I'm not your boyfriend. We're just friends. You're a good friend, but don't let that fool you into thinking that I'm going to forget about my girlfriend for you.
"Sigh" - I chose that name for you because it can be taken in both a positive and negative way. Somedays, you make me hate everything about myself and being alive. Others, you make me feel like I can take on the world. What can I say though? You're the greatest girl in the whole world. I don't care what you think. You're sweet, considerate, smart, beautiful, and just about any other positive word I can think of. We fight, but who doesn't? I just hope I can be the one you're waiting for, because damn it. I love you.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Haha.
So, I've noticed that I tend to use the word "weird" in the titles for a lot of my posts on here.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
It's weird.
I can't really describe how I've been feeling lately. For some reason, I have days where I feel like the entire world is conspiring against me, trying to make me get in an accident, trying to upset me, make me angry, and all sorts of things of that nature. Other days, I feel like this "entire world" is laying off, and giving me a break. I guess, when I put it that way, it's not really the "entire world", but moreso "life" itself. I did notice this though:
It rarely ever, and when I say rarely, I mean rarely ever, works in my favor.
It makes me wonder. What the hell are we all pushing for? I mean, it may be a bad idea since I'm actually in college now, but why?. I've been through a month and a half of college, almost two now, and I already feel like I know this isn't for me. The hard thing about feeling like this is that everyone I know has scared me into thinking that this is the only way I'll be happy. The only way I'll be able to survive. Money = happiness, right? Or is it, money = security = comfort = happiness?
But, before all that, college = money. So, in some way, shape, or form, I have to go to college to be happy. That's kind of weird, and for some reason, I don't think this is the way I'm going to go.
To be honest, I feel like I'm going to pull another Oxford. I'm going to end up failing because I'm just too lazy to do anything.
Where does my motivation lie? Music? No, I'm not good enough. I'll never make it. Skating? No, that's for kids and I need to be a grown-up now. How about running? Yeah! I can be an athlete. Oh, wait. I quit. I can't depend on something I actually like to do. That's absurd.
It's one thing to be 40, and realize that you let go of your dreams. It's an entirely different thing to be 18, and see yourself letting go of your dreams, passions, and hopes. It's fucking sad.
Death isn't when a man's life ends. Death is the moment a man's dreams die.
It rarely ever, and when I say rarely, I mean rarely ever, works in my favor.
It makes me wonder. What the hell are we all pushing for? I mean, it may be a bad idea since I'm actually in college now, but why?. I've been through a month and a half of college, almost two now, and I already feel like I know this isn't for me. The hard thing about feeling like this is that everyone I know has scared me into thinking that this is the only way I'll be happy. The only way I'll be able to survive. Money = happiness, right? Or is it, money = security = comfort = happiness?
But, before all that, college = money. So, in some way, shape, or form, I have to go to college to be happy. That's kind of weird, and for some reason, I don't think this is the way I'm going to go.
To be honest, I feel like I'm going to pull another Oxford. I'm going to end up failing because I'm just too lazy to do anything.
Where does my motivation lie? Music? No, I'm not good enough. I'll never make it. Skating? No, that's for kids and I need to be a grown-up now. How about running? Yeah! I can be an athlete. Oh, wait. I quit. I can't depend on something I actually like to do. That's absurd.
It's one thing to be 40, and realize that you let go of your dreams. It's an entirely different thing to be 18, and see yourself letting go of your dreams, passions, and hopes. It's fucking sad.
Death isn't when a man's life ends. Death is the moment a man's dreams die.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Whoa. Weird.
I wonder why the topic of "love and lust" keeps coming up in all aspects of my life. It's rather creepy. I mean, in my PLS class? Really? It just seems a bit off-topic, you know? At the same time, it's getting to that point in life where we're making that change from being kids to being people. I mean, yes, some of us are more mature than others, but honestly, no one takes us seriously. Well, they didn't at least. Now, it's choices here and there that will affect our lives in ways that we cannot yet foresee. That scares me. So, I guess, it only makes sense that this love/lust thing would come up now. I just don't know, to be honest. I've got a whole lot going on in my life right now, and I'm really happy with what I have, so I'm not going to screw that up.
I just wanted to ramble for a while. I was reading Lisa's blog, and it made me feel like writing. I haven't in a while.
I just wanted to ramble for a while. I was reading Lisa's blog, and it made me feel like writing. I haven't in a while.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I'm not going to lie.
"Winter" by Bayside. You should really check out the song. Well, for those who have that soft spot.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
It's so weird.
I really didn't think this would happen, but then again, I saw it coming. It's college. How could I expect you to stay with all these new people, interesting guys, and fun parties just begging you to come? I can't. That's the thing. This is what you need, what you want, what you're getting, and what you deserve.
As for me, I'm going to college in two weeks. Meeting new people. New girls, new friends, maybe the occasional party, and something new. This won't be easy, but it's what I have to do.
On the upside, I now have tons of material to write songs about. Good, bad, mean, nice, whatever. I was just handed a giant figurative book of material.
Good bye. I guess it really wasn't "831 a&f" now, was it?
At any rate, I'll always love you, but this is it.
As for me, I'm going to college in two weeks. Meeting new people. New girls, new friends, maybe the occasional party, and something new. This won't be easy, but it's what I have to do.
On the upside, I now have tons of material to write songs about. Good, bad, mean, nice, whatever. I was just handed a giant figurative book of material.
Good bye. I guess it really wasn't "831 a&f" now, was it?
At any rate, I'll always love you, but this is it.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
It's just weird, you know?
***** (1:49:01 AM) : It's just weird you know.
***** (1:49:37 AM) : Staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, and you're telling the shooter that they'll be okay after they pull the trigger and you're gone.
And, this is all okay with this guy. I don't know how he does it, but at any rate,
respect.
And, this is all okay with this guy. I don't know how he does it, but at any rate,
respect.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Man,
how things have changed in my views of you. You used to be so great in my eyes, but just as you said about something else, you have lost your shine.
It may be that I'm just a bit sad, and bitter because of what happened, or rather, didn't happen, but either way, I just can't help but feel you're kind of full of crap.
All in all though, I'm really happy that things are going well for you.
This is just me venting, and remembering what could have been a good friendship.
This is my goodbye, my closure, my au revoir.
It may be that I'm just a bit sad, and bitter because of what happened, or rather, didn't happen, but either way, I just can't help but feel you're kind of full of crap.
All in all though, I'm really happy that things are going well for you.
This is just me venting, and remembering what could have been a good friendship.
This is my goodbye, my closure, my au revoir.
Monday, July 20, 2009
So so so so lost.
Pomona. It could be my new home. I don't even know. I feel so drawn to it. It pretty much has my name on a banner with a welcoming party and everything. Well, not really, but you get it. I just, I don't know. I'm so afraid to go. It's not even that far, but I'm really afraid. I don't want to end up not talking to my closest friends. At the same time, I don't want to be left in the dust after this is over and done with. I once had a friend who found the perfect school for them. I was really, genuinely happy for them. We said we'd keep in touch, and we would hang out on the holidays and such, but it never happened. Just a bunch of empty words. I can't say I really remember all that much about our friendship now.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to become that way with my friends. I don't want to be the empty words in a text message, or on a computer screen. Maybe, I already have.
I don't know if I can take this step, even if it's what is best and what I want. I just, I don't know.
I really don't.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to become that way with my friends. I don't want to be the empty words in a text message, or on a computer screen. Maybe, I already have.
I don't know if I can take this step, even if it's what is best and what I want. I just, I don't know.
I really don't.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Unfinished business
Elton Chan - I know I don't write about you a whole lot, and at times, I feel like I don't know a lot about you. But, even so, you're one of the closest people in the world to me. And, though, we may not know everything about each other, we still get along great, and that's saying something. We didn't need to go through any emotional breakdowns, or revelations to realize that we would be great friends, and I'm glad I've gotten to know you over these past 6 years.
Mitchell Runion - I little bird told me about how you felt, and I'm sorry. It's not that I didn't have anything to say, and it's not that I don't have anything to say now. I just don't know how to say it. In case you didn't know, this is never a problem for me. I always know how to articulate what I'm feeling, but we all mess up sometimes. I know it's late, and long past due, but as far as it goes, you've always been someone I've respected and looked up to. I still look back on Freshman year, and eating lunch with you, and all the others. Ever since we met, I knew there was something special about you. Granted, it took others a while to see it, but that's just how some people work. You've always been a blast to be around, and you're hilarious. I think in some ways, I respect you so much because you're a man in my eyes. You're not a kid. You know when to be serious, when to goof off, and you act accordingly to the situation at hand. You always seem to have control, and that's something I've always admired about you. Again, you're no less important to me than the others. I was at a loss of words.
Bryan Hunt - Oh, goodness, man. You still amaze me to this day. I don't get how you can be so fucking goofy all the time, but when we have serious discussions and debates, put on glasses and pull out a book, figuratively speaking. You always seem to be one way, and then, you show me that you're the other as well. I guess, it's weird to me because you find that balance, not by combining them, but by showing us the different sides at different times. Either way, I love you, man. You're the best.
Mitchell Runion - I little bird told me about how you felt, and I'm sorry. It's not that I didn't have anything to say, and it's not that I don't have anything to say now. I just don't know how to say it. In case you didn't know, this is never a problem for me. I always know how to articulate what I'm feeling, but we all mess up sometimes. I know it's late, and long past due, but as far as it goes, you've always been someone I've respected and looked up to. I still look back on Freshman year, and eating lunch with you, and all the others. Ever since we met, I knew there was something special about you. Granted, it took others a while to see it, but that's just how some people work. You've always been a blast to be around, and you're hilarious. I think in some ways, I respect you so much because you're a man in my eyes. You're not a kid. You know when to be serious, when to goof off, and you act accordingly to the situation at hand. You always seem to have control, and that's something I've always admired about you. Again, you're no less important to me than the others. I was at a loss of words.
Bryan Hunt - Oh, goodness, man. You still amaze me to this day. I don't get how you can be so fucking goofy all the time, but when we have serious discussions and debates, put on glasses and pull out a book, figuratively speaking. You always seem to be one way, and then, you show me that you're the other as well. I guess, it's weird to me because you find that balance, not by combining them, but by showing us the different sides at different times. Either way, I love you, man. You're the best.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Zach said...
Zach said...
Whooo. That was loaded with intelligence. If that message was a product of "the heat" I couldn't take at Oxford, then I'm fucking glad I couldn't take it. As for myself, I judged myself. Did you not see where I said I'd be paying my own debts to society one way or another? Why should I look at myself before I rant about my OWN perceptions?(That's probably the word you're looking for, genius) As for my insurance, it's going to go way up. Which is why I can't go to the college of my choice now. Way to be an asshole. I don't go around dancing on your grandmother's grave, do I? Now, my girlfriend. She's not your type, get over it. I picked her over Maria. And, I'm willing to bet that my girlfriend is skinnier and weighs less than you. Besides, she's great. :] As for friends, well, maybe I didn't find many new best friends, but I've made many a friend. The sad thing is, I'm more welcome amongst Oxford people than you are, and I'm the one who got kicked out years ago. Ha. You're on a roll, "fucktard".
Either way, as a "dumb kid who left oxford cuz [i] couldn't take the heat," here's my one finger salute.
Don't mess with me. You'll fucking regret it, ya dig?
"hey dipshit, who put u in charge of fuckin judgin people? what ru god or a dumbass? seriously man, i suggest u look at urself in the mirror before u talk about ur perspectives. it's time u take ur wake up calls seriously and dump that stupid fat girlfriend of urs. its funny that she just treats u like shit and u just put up with her. well here's my perspective u fucktard: ur just another dumb kid who left oxford cuz u couldn't take the heat, and doesn't have da balls to make new friends...have fun gettin a new car and hope ur insurance stays low..."
Whooo. That was loaded with intelligence. If that message was a product of "the heat" I couldn't take at Oxford, then I'm fucking glad I couldn't take it. As for myself, I judged myself. Did you not see where I said I'd be paying my own debts to society one way or another? Why should I look at myself before I rant about my OWN perceptions?(That's probably the word you're looking for, genius) As for my insurance, it's going to go way up. Which is why I can't go to the college of my choice now. Way to be an asshole. I don't go around dancing on your grandmother's grave, do I? Now, my girlfriend. She's not your type, get over it. I picked her over Maria. And, I'm willing to bet that my girlfriend is skinnier and weighs less than you. Besides, she's great. :] As for friends, well, maybe I didn't find many new best friends, but I've made many a friend. The sad thing is, I'm more welcome amongst Oxford people than you are, and I'm the one who got kicked out years ago. Ha. You're on a roll, "fucktard".
Either way, as a "dumb kid who left oxford cuz [i] couldn't take the heat," here's my one finger salute.
Don't mess with me. You'll fucking regret it, ya dig?
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Okay. Time for me to be honest.
My perceptions of people. They could, or could not, be correct, but I guess that's not really up to you.
All right. Since this will most likely lead to something bad, I'll start with the bad.
M. D. - You were pissed about me and Erin, and you took it out on her even though it was my fault. There isn't really a need for an apology because, well, it wouldn't mean anything to me, but I know you know what you did wasn't right. Hey, I'm no saint, so I'll pay my debt to society somehow.
A.C. - Okay now. You get away with being a total bitch to everyone because it's how everyone has accepted you. I really do hate that about you, but I will admit that when we were friends, you were cool. I know whenever you hear anything about me, or anyone even mentions me, you say things like, "Ew." I know you don't like me, and I'm pretty damn sure you know I don't like you either. Yeah, we all fuck up, but messing up is different than being messed up. You're not a terrible person all the time, but the fact that this shit has been going on for 6 fucking years is driving me nuts. Get your head out of your ass.
A.R. - You stood up for your friend. You talked shit about my girlfriend right in front of me at someone else' party. Yeah, you apologized, but I really don't know if it was sincere. I mean, how could I? You got all involved in shit you knew nothing about, which is being a good friend, I'll admit, but stupid because you had no business in it. You were a good enough person to at least be cordial at Loftis' party, and I really do appreciate that. You still have some hope. Don't spend time with Dre anymore.
(As far as it goes, I really tried to not be a part of anything that happened between the three of you, and Erin and Morris. But, she's my girlfriend, and it was really hard for me to stand around and hear all of you bashing her for what I did.)
Wow. The three of you girls were probably the only people I really didn't like throughout my Senior year. Well, with the exception of me being on the fence about Allison.
Okay, Kim Loftis - I love you, kiddo. You're great. Just, really, stop with this Skylar kid. He may be cool, and nice. That's great. Be friends. JUST friends. Make sure he understands that. You have a good thing going, and I'd hate to see it ruined because of what he seems to be.
Jesus Quintana - You're a really good guy, man. I fucking love you to death. Yeah, you did something that wasn't right, and I know you meant no harm. I hope things go well for you because you deserve it. I really enjoy all our talks and spending two or three straight days with you. Haha. It's great. Be who you are. It would be stupid for you to act any other way.
Cameron Haygood - Dang, man. It's pretty crazy how we've all changed and grown over the years. I'm really sad that we didn't get to talk more and be closer because I really do want to be one of those friends that you'd remember forever. You're a great person, and I wish you all the best in all of your endeavors.
Zack Snyder - I miss the days when we would actually go out and do stuff. I rarely see you anymore, and that really bums me out. You're funny, and a lot of people don't appreciate your humor, but I like it. Haha. Get out more, Zack. Become more active. It'll do wonders for you. I can't really explain how, but it does. Just. Endorphins.
Yan Cutin - You're the best duck ever. Great smile, really cool hole in your chest, it's great. Haha. You're a good guy. Love having conversations with you because, well, there just aren't any other conversations like it. We will keep in touch in college because I need my dose of cynical Canadians to keep me regular. Haha.
Valeroonie Sabatino - You are an interesting one. Very mature for your age. You're awesome though. You're also very enlightening. I really love talking to you. You've helped me through a whole hell of a lot this year, and I'm forever grateful. We're going to record stuff this summer, for sure. My advice to you though: Make time to have fun. Do something for yourself. Don't grow up too fast, you have the rest of your life for that. Be the kid that I see wanting to break free. I know it will do wonders for your soul. Do exactly as you say. Dream Big.
Lisa Gray - You, missy, are a wonder. Yeah, everyone knows you as Ms. Perfect. Yes, Ms. because according to all women, there is no Mr. Perfect. Anyway, I love talking to you, and I love love love singing songs with you. There were times when we sang together that inspired me for weeks. I'm forever grateful. Don't stop talking to me when we all go off to college and you become the first woman president to fly to the moon by herself.
Taytor Jacobsen - You are one of the greatest friends in the history of ever. People may call you a douchebag, but I punch those people. You have always been there for me. Literally, always. You stopped me from killing myself numerous times, and you helped me through problems with Gigi, and Erin, and Maria, and all the other emotional turmoil I have. You know absolutely everything about me, and I have always trusted you. You're one of those people that will be in my heart forever.
Jonathan Harris - Flinn, we've known each other for six freaking years now, and it feels like I've known you forever. I know you can be stubborn, and think too much, and yeah, it's hard to talk to you when you're angry or upset, but I don't give a fuck. I love you, man. You've been there through thick and thin. We've seen each other at our worst, and I know I can count on you for anything. I hope you know that you can do the same with me. You're my brother, man.
Erin Reilly - You're stubborn, you nag me, you make me feel like shit, and you hurt me like no one else can. You make me feel like I can do anything, you comfort me, you guide me, you complete me. I'd be dead, or an asshole if I didn't have you. I fucked up big time, but for the better, I guess. Letting you go was the biggest mistake I ever made, but it was also the best for you. I'm just glad that we came to be again. I don't care if you don't believe that I'm happy. You just don't see it because that's all I've ever been with you. Happy.
Omar Goswami - You're an asshole. You posted shit about people. You used their names, and you said mean and hurtful things about them. You can be a douchebag, you know? You're writing about yourself in the second person. You bail on people, you're always late, you hurt people, and you don't look back sometimes. And, I hate how people don't see that about you. All they see is the good you do, and one side of you. I really wish that people understood that you suck at life, just like the rest of us. Then again, you can also be sweet, and gentle. You have natural talent that would make anyone happy to have, but you don't give yourself credit. You don't take credit for anything. You blame yourself, and you're way too hard on yourself. But, people know you care. They know that deep down, you're a good person, and they know that you have a strong sense of morals and values. Keep trying though. Someday, you'll be a good man, so long as you stay on the right path.
Wow, I've never really spoken to myself before. But, I guess those were just things I needed to come to grips with.
I meant all of this. Every single word. Now, hate me, love me, don't care about me, or be a part of the book I call my life. It's all up to you. This is just how I see it.
All right. Since this will most likely lead to something bad, I'll start with the bad.
M. D. - You were pissed about me and Erin, and you took it out on her even though it was my fault. There isn't really a need for an apology because, well, it wouldn't mean anything to me, but I know you know what you did wasn't right. Hey, I'm no saint, so I'll pay my debt to society somehow.
A.C. - Okay now. You get away with being a total bitch to everyone because it's how everyone has accepted you. I really do hate that about you, but I will admit that when we were friends, you were cool. I know whenever you hear anything about me, or anyone even mentions me, you say things like, "Ew." I know you don't like me, and I'm pretty damn sure you know I don't like you either. Yeah, we all fuck up, but messing up is different than being messed up. You're not a terrible person all the time, but the fact that this shit has been going on for 6 fucking years is driving me nuts. Get your head out of your ass.
A.R. - You stood up for your friend. You talked shit about my girlfriend right in front of me at someone else' party. Yeah, you apologized, but I really don't know if it was sincere. I mean, how could I? You got all involved in shit you knew nothing about, which is being a good friend, I'll admit, but stupid because you had no business in it. You were a good enough person to at least be cordial at Loftis' party, and I really do appreciate that. You still have some hope. Don't spend time with Dre anymore.
(As far as it goes, I really tried to not be a part of anything that happened between the three of you, and Erin and Morris. But, she's my girlfriend, and it was really hard for me to stand around and hear all of you bashing her for what I did.)
Wow. The three of you girls were probably the only people I really didn't like throughout my Senior year. Well, with the exception of me being on the fence about Allison.
Okay, Kim Loftis - I love you, kiddo. You're great. Just, really, stop with this Skylar kid. He may be cool, and nice. That's great. Be friends. JUST friends. Make sure he understands that. You have a good thing going, and I'd hate to see it ruined because of what he seems to be.
Jesus Quintana - You're a really good guy, man. I fucking love you to death. Yeah, you did something that wasn't right, and I know you meant no harm. I hope things go well for you because you deserve it. I really enjoy all our talks and spending two or three straight days with you. Haha. It's great. Be who you are. It would be stupid for you to act any other way.
Cameron Haygood - Dang, man. It's pretty crazy how we've all changed and grown over the years. I'm really sad that we didn't get to talk more and be closer because I really do want to be one of those friends that you'd remember forever. You're a great person, and I wish you all the best in all of your endeavors.
Zack Snyder - I miss the days when we would actually go out and do stuff. I rarely see you anymore, and that really bums me out. You're funny, and a lot of people don't appreciate your humor, but I like it. Haha. Get out more, Zack. Become more active. It'll do wonders for you. I can't really explain how, but it does. Just. Endorphins.
Yan Cutin - You're the best duck ever. Great smile, really cool hole in your chest, it's great. Haha. You're a good guy. Love having conversations with you because, well, there just aren't any other conversations like it. We will keep in touch in college because I need my dose of cynical Canadians to keep me regular. Haha.
Valeroonie Sabatino - You are an interesting one. Very mature for your age. You're awesome though. You're also very enlightening. I really love talking to you. You've helped me through a whole hell of a lot this year, and I'm forever grateful. We're going to record stuff this summer, for sure. My advice to you though: Make time to have fun. Do something for yourself. Don't grow up too fast, you have the rest of your life for that. Be the kid that I see wanting to break free. I know it will do wonders for your soul. Do exactly as you say. Dream Big.
Lisa Gray - You, missy, are a wonder. Yeah, everyone knows you as Ms. Perfect. Yes, Ms. because according to all women, there is no Mr. Perfect. Anyway, I love talking to you, and I love love love singing songs with you. There were times when we sang together that inspired me for weeks. I'm forever grateful. Don't stop talking to me when we all go off to college and you become the first woman president to fly to the moon by herself.
Taytor Jacobsen - You are one of the greatest friends in the history of ever. People may call you a douchebag, but I punch those people. You have always been there for me. Literally, always. You stopped me from killing myself numerous times, and you helped me through problems with Gigi, and Erin, and Maria, and all the other emotional turmoil I have. You know absolutely everything about me, and I have always trusted you. You're one of those people that will be in my heart forever.
Jonathan Harris - Flinn, we've known each other for six freaking years now, and it feels like I've known you forever. I know you can be stubborn, and think too much, and yeah, it's hard to talk to you when you're angry or upset, but I don't give a fuck. I love you, man. You've been there through thick and thin. We've seen each other at our worst, and I know I can count on you for anything. I hope you know that you can do the same with me. You're my brother, man.
Erin Reilly - You're stubborn, you nag me, you make me feel like shit, and you hurt me like no one else can. You make me feel like I can do anything, you comfort me, you guide me, you complete me. I'd be dead, or an asshole if I didn't have you. I fucked up big time, but for the better, I guess. Letting you go was the biggest mistake I ever made, but it was also the best for you. I'm just glad that we came to be again. I don't care if you don't believe that I'm happy. You just don't see it because that's all I've ever been with you. Happy.
Omar Goswami - You're an asshole. You posted shit about people. You used their names, and you said mean and hurtful things about them. You can be a douchebag, you know? You're writing about yourself in the second person. You bail on people, you're always late, you hurt people, and you don't look back sometimes. And, I hate how people don't see that about you. All they see is the good you do, and one side of you. I really wish that people understood that you suck at life, just like the rest of us. Then again, you can also be sweet, and gentle. You have natural talent that would make anyone happy to have, but you don't give yourself credit. You don't take credit for anything. You blame yourself, and you're way too hard on yourself. But, people know you care. They know that deep down, you're a good person, and they know that you have a strong sense of morals and values. Keep trying though. Someday, you'll be a good man, so long as you stay on the right path.
Wow, I've never really spoken to myself before. But, I guess those were just things I needed to come to grips with.
I meant all of this. Every single word. Now, hate me, love me, don't care about me, or be a part of the book I call my life. It's all up to you. This is just how I see it.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Don't Stop Me Now
Yeah, the one by Queen. Or the cover by McFly, just because it's really good. Either way, that song. I spent the last two weeks listening to this, just trying to get through graduation, and highschool, I guess. Now, that it's over, do I stop listening to it? Now that I'm not in school anymore, what the hell do I do? It feels really really weird to not HAVE to go to school. I mean, I could start working if I wanted to. I could move away and never come back. I could do all sorts of things. I don't think the gravity of not having anymore mandatory school has set in yet, and that scares me.
But, at the same time, I'm so happy. I finished high school, which was super easy, but still. It's a nice accomplishment.
Oh, and another thing. I don't feel right getting gifts from my parents for graduating. I mean, why should I get gifts for doing something that's required of me? I don't get presents for not having to go to summer school, or anything. It's weird, but I mean, I do understand that it's a once in a lifetime thing, and I don't get to relive high school.
It was a good experience, all in all. I'm glad to have spent the last 4-6 years of my life with the people that I did.
Congratulations, guys. We did it. :]
'09, son!
But, at the same time, I'm so happy. I finished high school, which was super easy, but still. It's a nice accomplishment.
Oh, and another thing. I don't feel right getting gifts from my parents for graduating. I mean, why should I get gifts for doing something that's required of me? I don't get presents for not having to go to summer school, or anything. It's weird, but I mean, I do understand that it's a once in a lifetime thing, and I don't get to relive high school.
It was a good experience, all in all. I'm glad to have spent the last 4-6 years of my life with the people that I did.
Congratulations, guys. We did it. :]
'09, son!
Monday, June 8, 2009
For once,
I'm at a loss of words. I have nothing to say to anyone. I'm just kind of hurt, I guess. Right now, I don't want anyone chasing after me, I don't want any bullshit, "Omar, I care about you"s, I just want to be left the fuck alone.
This better be what you fucking want because, at this rate, you're going to get it.
This better be what you fucking want because, at this rate, you're going to get it.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Being right all the time is bad, but
I sick called that about you two. Haha.
You're still a bitch, and people still let you get away with it, but at least I let them all know. One day, you'll get what's coming to you. Maybe you'll get spayed, or something. Hopefully, God will do us all a favor.
As for you. Really? Why do you do all this shit? You're so stupid, it's ridiculous. You're just as bad as the last girl. Why though? There really is no need for it. I hate saying this about girls, but you're a bitch too. I hope you get spayed as well.
Either way, I'm glad I got out of that by my own accord, and not by some stupid ass game either of you were going to play.
You'll get yours one day. Let's hope it's soon.
You're still a bitch, and people still let you get away with it, but at least I let them all know. One day, you'll get what's coming to you. Maybe you'll get spayed, or something. Hopefully, God will do us all a favor.
As for you. Really? Why do you do all this shit? You're so stupid, it's ridiculous. You're just as bad as the last girl. Why though? There really is no need for it. I hate saying this about girls, but you're a bitch too. I hope you get spayed as well.
Either way, I'm glad I got out of that by my own accord, and not by some stupid ass game either of you were going to play.
You'll get yours one day. Let's hope it's soon.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Ight.
Crash Tuesday
Recover Wednesday
Skate Thursday
Sore Friday
Prom Saturday
Chill Sunday
Weirdest week ever.
Recover Wednesday
Skate Thursday
Sore Friday
Prom Saturday
Chill Sunday
Weirdest week ever.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
It's been almost two days
since I crashed. Yeah, it was a terrifying experience, blah blah blah.
You know what I hear today?
I hear people have been blaming Erin because I "had" to go over to her house and work things out, so I went home tired and crashed.
That's probably the most insane thing ever. It's my fault I crashed. I shouldn't have even gotten in that car. I should have stayed at her house, even if it was until 3 or 4. I didn't want her to be driving me, then driving home tired because well, what happened to me could have happened to her. Also, if you're going to blame her for me "having" to go down there, you can blame Jonathan, Jesus, and Mitchell just as well. I "had" to drive them home. If I hadn't, I could have left Erin's house earlier, and get home before I got so damn tired.
It pisses me off that people are looking for someone to blame, and just using my near-death experience as another way to point fingers. You should just be glad I'm still alive. I walked out of my car in one piece, and you're sitting there pointing fingers and stabbing each other in the back.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. You fucking assholes.
I was glad it happened to me, and just me. I wouldn't have wanted it to happen to anyone else. You people need to learn how to be less selfish. I wasn't even mad at anyone. What gives you, people who weren't in the accident, any right to be mad?
Seriously, just hearing that people are blaming Erin for this makes me so mad. I really hate that I care about you all, because I'm sure that if I died, you'd be too busy yelling at each other.
I hope you're fucking happy.
You know what I hear today?
I hear people have been blaming Erin because I "had" to go over to her house and work things out, so I went home tired and crashed.
That's probably the most insane thing ever. It's my fault I crashed. I shouldn't have even gotten in that car. I should have stayed at her house, even if it was until 3 or 4. I didn't want her to be driving me, then driving home tired because well, what happened to me could have happened to her. Also, if you're going to blame her for me "having" to go down there, you can blame Jonathan, Jesus, and Mitchell just as well. I "had" to drive them home. If I hadn't, I could have left Erin's house earlier, and get home before I got so damn tired.
It pisses me off that people are looking for someone to blame, and just using my near-death experience as another way to point fingers. You should just be glad I'm still alive. I walked out of my car in one piece, and you're sitting there pointing fingers and stabbing each other in the back.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. You fucking assholes.
I was glad it happened to me, and just me. I wouldn't have wanted it to happen to anyone else. You people need to learn how to be less selfish. I wasn't even mad at anyone. What gives you, people who weren't in the accident, any right to be mad?
Seriously, just hearing that people are blaming Erin for this makes me so mad. I really hate that I care about you all, because I'm sure that if I died, you'd be too busy yelling at each other.
I hope you're fucking happy.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The scariest night of my life.
For those of you who don't know what happened to me, last night, I was coming home at 11:45 from Erin's house, and I fell asleep at the wheel. I woke up to the sound of my car veering off the road, and I see a pole. I try to swerve out of the way, but alas, I'm too late. The front right end of the car hits the pole, and my car flips. I take the pole out of the ground, and my car lands with the roof-side down.
"I'm going to die, I'm going to die," I thought. Then, a wave of instinct hits me. I don't recall any stupid show on how to survive car crashes, or any survival show at that. I just remember thinking, "I can't die, not tonight."
So, I unbuckle my seat belt, and try to open my door. No budge. I try to punch out the window, but it's too thick. So, I look around the car, and see that the impact from the crash was so hard that it blew out the entire back windshield. I crawled out of the back windshield, and stood up. I stood up. How, I don't know.
I stumbled away and surveyed the damage. My car is fucked. Paramedics, police, and some good Samaritans were there about five minutes after the crash. I get asked a bunch of questions, have a field sobriety test, and am given a blanket.
I can feel my body shaking. I'm coherent, I'm calm, and I know what's going on, but I'm shaking. My body was scared. My body. The policemen finally let me talk to my mom, and I tell her I'm okay, and that I love her. I ask to see Erin before I go, I tell her to give me a hug, and that I love her.
After that, I'm put in a neck brace, and placed on a stretcher. Until last night, I had never been in an ambulance. Not exactly the way I wanted to go. I get into an argument with one of the paramedics over the IV. I hate needles. Five minutes, and 3 inches of needle later, I'm at the hospital, and they yank the needle right out of my arm. When I'm pulled out of the ambulance, I'm immediately bombarded by questions which are easy to answer. Within the next twenty minutes, I'm given an ultrasound, have an X-Ray of my chest done, and I'm given a CT Scan. Then, they draw blood, screw up, and draw some more. Then, they cut up my favorite shirt, instead of just asking me to take it off. Fuckers. They make me pee in this tupperware type thing, and I think nothing of it. After, I'm hauled out of the room, and I get put in a visitors room. Mom comes in, things mellow out, and I stay up til 2. I crash, and wake up at 4, crash again, and wake up at 7.
Doctors have me eat food to see if my body responds well to it. No negative reactions. I'm okay. I flip my car over and almost die, but I walk out with just a few scratches? I've never seen a bigger miracle.
I went home after the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me with just a few sore muscles, bruises, scratches, and glass shards.
I'll never understand how I made it out in once piece, much less alive.
I'm just glad to be here.
I realized something though. It's not how you think it would be. People say your whole life flashes before your eyes. It really doesn't. As for the crash, itself, I just remember seeing the pole, turning the wheel, and being thrown around my car violently. I almost don't believe it happened to me. It's almost unreal. I'll count my blessings though.
Someone up there saved my life last night. Whoever, or whatever, you are, thank you so much.
"I'm going to die, I'm going to die," I thought. Then, a wave of instinct hits me. I don't recall any stupid show on how to survive car crashes, or any survival show at that. I just remember thinking, "I can't die, not tonight."
So, I unbuckle my seat belt, and try to open my door. No budge. I try to punch out the window, but it's too thick. So, I look around the car, and see that the impact from the crash was so hard that it blew out the entire back windshield. I crawled out of the back windshield, and stood up. I stood up. How, I don't know.
I stumbled away and surveyed the damage. My car is fucked. Paramedics, police, and some good Samaritans were there about five minutes after the crash. I get asked a bunch of questions, have a field sobriety test, and am given a blanket.
I can feel my body shaking. I'm coherent, I'm calm, and I know what's going on, but I'm shaking. My body was scared. My body. The policemen finally let me talk to my mom, and I tell her I'm okay, and that I love her. I ask to see Erin before I go, I tell her to give me a hug, and that I love her.
After that, I'm put in a neck brace, and placed on a stretcher. Until last night, I had never been in an ambulance. Not exactly the way I wanted to go. I get into an argument with one of the paramedics over the IV. I hate needles. Five minutes, and 3 inches of needle later, I'm at the hospital, and they yank the needle right out of my arm. When I'm pulled out of the ambulance, I'm immediately bombarded by questions which are easy to answer. Within the next twenty minutes, I'm given an ultrasound, have an X-Ray of my chest done, and I'm given a CT Scan. Then, they draw blood, screw up, and draw some more. Then, they cut up my favorite shirt, instead of just asking me to take it off. Fuckers. They make me pee in this tupperware type thing, and I think nothing of it. After, I'm hauled out of the room, and I get put in a visitors room. Mom comes in, things mellow out, and I stay up til 2. I crash, and wake up at 4, crash again, and wake up at 7.
Doctors have me eat food to see if my body responds well to it. No negative reactions. I'm okay. I flip my car over and almost die, but I walk out with just a few scratches? I've never seen a bigger miracle.
I went home after the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me with just a few sore muscles, bruises, scratches, and glass shards.
I'll never understand how I made it out in once piece, much less alive.
I'm just glad to be here.
I realized something though. It's not how you think it would be. People say your whole life flashes before your eyes. It really doesn't. As for the crash, itself, I just remember seeing the pole, turning the wheel, and being thrown around my car violently. I almost don't believe it happened to me. It's almost unreal. I'll count my blessings though.
Someone up there saved my life last night. Whoever, or whatever, you are, thank you so much.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Damn.
I mean, really. At first, I thought it was:
1
2
3
But, apparently it was:
3 (yes!)
1
2
3 is a good number.
Another time around? Definitely.
Oh, and the only person who will get this doesn't even know I have this. Haha.
1
2
3
But, apparently it was:
3 (yes!)
1
2
3 is a good number.
Another time around? Definitely.
Oh, and the only person who will get this doesn't even know I have this. Haha.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I Must Be Hateful
First off, I will start by saying I'm very blessed in many ways. I need not mention them because they aren't the focus of this blog.
I just can't help but feel that I'm unattractive, I can't sing, I'm slow, I'm short, I can't play the guitar, I'm a terrible skateboarder, I suck at being a friend, and I'm not a good boyfriend. No matter what I'm good at, or how blessed I am, there's someone who's better than me. I wish I was amazing. I'd like to know the feeling.
I'd like to meet the person who's completely blown away by who I am, and who will appreciate the little things I do.
But, it's not going to happen, and I'm asking for too much. I always ask for too much. I'm selfish.
I'm greedy.
I'm lustful.
I'm hateful.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm mean.
I'm superficial.
I'm perverted.
I'm gross.
You don't want me. I'm not good for you. For anyone.
I just can't help but feel that I'm unattractive, I can't sing, I'm slow, I'm short, I can't play the guitar, I'm a terrible skateboarder, I suck at being a friend, and I'm not a good boyfriend. No matter what I'm good at, or how blessed I am, there's someone who's better than me. I wish I was amazing. I'd like to know the feeling.
I'd like to meet the person who's completely blown away by who I am, and who will appreciate the little things I do.
But, it's not going to happen, and I'm asking for too much. I always ask for too much. I'm selfish.
I'm greedy.
I'm lustful.
I'm hateful.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm mean.
I'm superficial.
I'm perverted.
I'm gross.
You don't want me. I'm not good for you. For anyone.
Monday, May 18, 2009
One more because, well, I love this.
Sometimes, I miss my poems.
Sometimes, I don't understand how people can't see the simplicity of things.
Sometimes, I wish they did.
Sometimes, I wonder what keeps you around.
Sometimes, I wonder what keeps me around.
Sometimes, I think that I'm not worth your time.
Sometimes, I think you aren't worth mine.
Sometimes, you just don't get that things don't have to make sense.
Sometimes, you don't make sense.
And, sometimes, there's simplicity in chaos, a flower in a sea of thorns; and it will never make sense to you, but you'll never understand.
Sometimes, well, sometimes, being with the one we love isn't the most logical thing, but it's okay because we're at peace, and from then on, we know that nothing could ever be that bad.
Sometimes, all it is, is me loving you.
Sometimes, I don't understand how people can't see the simplicity of things.
Sometimes, I wish they did.
Sometimes, I wonder what keeps you around.
Sometimes, I wonder what keeps me around.
Sometimes, I think that I'm not worth your time.
Sometimes, I think you aren't worth mine.
Sometimes, you just don't get that things don't have to make sense.
Sometimes, you don't make sense.
And, sometimes, there's simplicity in chaos, a flower in a sea of thorns; and it will never make sense to you, but you'll never understand.
Sometimes, well, sometimes, being with the one we love isn't the most logical thing, but it's okay because we're at peace, and from then on, we know that nothing could ever be that bad.
Sometimes, all it is, is me loving you.
#1
I really wish you could see the simplicity in all the chaos. And, I know you'll never feel the way I wish you did. And, I feel sorry for #3. But, look at what he became as opposed to me. One of the reasons I was so afraid. The only thing is, I have more self-control. Maybe aggressive/assertive isn't the best after all. I'm ready. And, in the end, I'm so proud and glad to say that he's not like me, and vice-versa. Stick that in your pipe and suck it, Fish.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I really hate
When people can't take a joke and get angry. It bugs me because they aren't perfect either. Yeah, I joke a lot. Sometimes, people are having a bad day, and when those two things combine, it makes people mad. I get it. It happens, and it sucks. But, no one has a bad day everyday. So, please, don't be a dick when people mess around with you. I'm tired of these stupid highschool douchebags. I want summer, and I want it now. Forget highschool, forget the stupid girls that come with it, and screw all the jerks who ruin it. I just want summer.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Ephilant
I've had a bit of an epiphany, and it's going to make me seem and feel like a total douche, but I think I need to at least admit it.
I can't be attracted to people who are overweight, obese, or fat, as most people say. They can be as nice as Taytron, and I could love everything about them, but that kind of thing kind of tells me a lot about that person. Now, before I go on, I understand that some people are born like that, and they can't escape it. That, is something I feel bad about, but anyway, back to what I was saying. I'm pretty sure the reason why I can't be attracted to people who are heavy because, in my opinion, it shows me how well they take care of themselves and their bodies. How can I respect someone who doesn't want to respect themselves enough to be healthy? It really bothers me, to be honest. I don't hate fat people, or anything. I just can't find myself being attracted to them. I don't judge them, or view them differently, it's just they usually have poor eating and/or exercise habits. I can't be with someone who isn't, at least, remotely active. I need someone who can play around, and have fun without physical limitations during the simplest of physical tasks.
This blog wasn't very easy for me to write. To be honest, I felt very superficial for writing it. The only difference is that I have somewhat of a valid reason, and it's not shallow in nature. Then again, fat people are no different than skinny people, so why should I feel bad? I guess, I wouldn't like someone who's too skinny either.
Ultimately, I want someone who isn't hindered by poor choices in eating and exercising.
I can't be attracted to people who are overweight, obese, or fat, as most people say. They can be as nice as Taytron, and I could love everything about them, but that kind of thing kind of tells me a lot about that person. Now, before I go on, I understand that some people are born like that, and they can't escape it. That, is something I feel bad about, but anyway, back to what I was saying. I'm pretty sure the reason why I can't be attracted to people who are heavy because, in my opinion, it shows me how well they take care of themselves and their bodies. How can I respect someone who doesn't want to respect themselves enough to be healthy? It really bothers me, to be honest. I don't hate fat people, or anything. I just can't find myself being attracted to them. I don't judge them, or view them differently, it's just they usually have poor eating and/or exercise habits. I can't be with someone who isn't, at least, remotely active. I need someone who can play around, and have fun without physical limitations during the simplest of physical tasks.
This blog wasn't very easy for me to write. To be honest, I felt very superficial for writing it. The only difference is that I have somewhat of a valid reason, and it's not shallow in nature. Then again, fat people are no different than skinny people, so why should I feel bad? I guess, I wouldn't like someone who's too skinny either.
Ultimately, I want someone who isn't hindered by poor choices in eating and exercising.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wow.
I'm super shocked at myself. I've been so relaxed and feel like I've had my eyes opened somewhat. I feel like I'm starting to see things for what they are. To be honest, all these big problems that a lot of people seem to think they're going through aren't as big as they think. Maybe I'm making problems seem too small. I'm not exactly sure why I've been feeling this way lately.
But, to be honest, I feel different. Pain has new meaning to me. Problems are different. Even food tastes different. I feel like I'm changing. Maybe drifting? Who knows? Maybe there's a me that even I never knew was there. I'm Afraid yet curious as to what these feelings are.
All I need is some feedback. Should I explore these feelings, or should I play it safe and be who I understand myself to be?
But, to be honest, I feel different. Pain has new meaning to me. Problems are different. Even food tastes different. I feel like I'm changing. Maybe drifting? Who knows? Maybe there's a me that even I never knew was there. I'm Afraid yet curious as to what these feelings are.
All I need is some feedback. Should I explore these feelings, or should I play it safe and be who I understand myself to be?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Track.
This year has been an odd experience for me so far. I feel like I'm fast, but my times are as slow as ever. I'm running shit in the 400, terrible in the 200, and I'm only winning in the 100. Yeah, I'm leading my team in points, but it's not like that won't change soon. I'm worried. I feel like I can handle all of this, but I feel so much more pushing me to stop. I almost stopped sprinting on Monday. It was ridiculous. I feel like I need to step it up more. I'm tired of being beaten by a guy who never goes to practice. Yeah, he's a fucking monster, but when does my ship come in? I work damn hard and I go to practice everyday. I even put in extra time and lift with the throwers. I am the hardest working person on my team. It bothers me to think that I just can't be fast. I can't be the sprinter that I see in myself. Tomorrow, we race Magnolia. I don't doubt that we'll win, but that doesn't mean I'm letting my guard down. I have a good shot at doing something good this year, and I'm not letting that fall out of my reach. I have to run a 52 split in the 4x4 on Saturday, even though I'm sick. I'll do it if it kills me. And, I want to break 11 in the damn 100. I get close, but just not close enough. I want to hit a mid 22 in the 200. These are my dreams right now. I want it. Hell, I need it. I need to do this. This is what I spent my last 3 years running for. I don't want to quit now. I don't want to lose anymore. And, I sure as hell don't want to disappoint anyone. This will be the hardest season of my life. And, it won't even be a battle against others. It's against myself.
Monday, March 9, 2009
An Omar
I really don't feel like editing names out, so yeah. Please, just read it, and don't get mad at me. That's all I ask.
valerinooo (8:52:02 PM) : alright sorry my internet
valerinooo (8:52:06 PM) : is stupid
valerinooo (8:52:08 PM) : but
valerinooo (8:52:16 PM) : you say your life is good
valerinooo (8:52:19 PM) : but emotionaly
valerinooo (8:52:21 PM) : its not.
valerinooo (8:52:31 PM) : Oamr G (8:43:30 PM): I wouldn't mind being that guy that no one really ever cared to know because he's not interesting at all if it meant leading a life with less pain.
Oamr G (8:52:37 PM) : Yeah.
valerinooo (8:52:39 PM) : well
valerinooo (8:52:43 PM) : if it were that way
valerinooo (8:53:00 PM) : wouldnt you probably be thinking the other way around
Oamr G (8:53:33 PM) : If I knew me, I wouldn't.
valerinooo (8:55:09 PM) : no no no
valerinooo (8:55:37 PM) : pain is the result of teh fall
valerinooo (8:55:46 PM) : mayb eyou're doing something
valerinooo (8:55:48 PM) : wrong
Oamr G (8:56:06 PM) : Everyone knew that I wanted to be asked to Sadies.
Oamr G (8:56:09 PM) : But, no one.
Oamr G (8:56:16 PM) : Not even my own girlfriend asked me.
Oamr G (8:56:26 PM) : You know, I had my first meet this past Saturday.
Oamr G (8:56:32 PM) : My coach took me off the 4x1.
Oamr G (8:56:45 PM) : I sat there from 7:30 to 5:30 doing nothing.
valerinooo (8:56:59 PM) : why!
Oamr G (8:57:00 PM) : And, when my race is getting ready to start, my coaches decide that we're leaving.
valerinooo (8:57:01 PM) : did he take you off?
valerinooo (8:57:08 PM) : aw =[
Oamr G (8:57:10 PM) : I didn't even get to run.
Oamr G (8:57:46 PM) : I let out some steam and rambled for a while, and all I got was, "Dude, relax. It's not a big deal."
Oamr G (8:58:00 PM) : No one knew, or cared to know about how much this meet meant to me.
Oamr G (8:58:08 PM) : My parents weren't even in town.
Oamr G (8:58:41 PM) : but, I still went to the choir show and cast party because they wanted me there.
Oamr G (8:58:46 PM) : I was so tired, but I went.
Oamr G (8:59:09 PM) : When I got back from the meet though, I went to my car, and just cried.
Oamr G (8:59:13 PM) : I broke down.
Oamr G (8:59:18 PM) : Today, I broke down again.
Oamr G (8:59:29 PM) : I really can't keep doing this.
Oamr G (8:59:43 PM) : For a while, I was crying every night.
Oamr G (8:59:59 PM) : And, I thought that after a while, it was done with.
Oamr G (9:00:07 PM) : I'm still sad.
Oamr G (9:00:14 PM) : Everything goes wrong.
Oamr G (9:00:35 PM) : And, I wish I could do something about it besides whine because I know that it drives people away.
Oamr G (9:00:39 PM) : But, I can't.
Oamr G (9:00:41 PM) : I just can't.
Oamr G (9:00:50 PM) : I hate being this sad.
Oamr G (9:00:56 PM) : It's ridiculous.
valerinooo (9:01:05 PM) : i hate you being this sad too
valerinooo (9:01:31 PM) : it really does seem like you've been getting hte short end of the stick
valerinooo (9:01:54 PM) : but stop thinking bad bad bad, wrong wrong wrong. like i know
valerinooo (9:01:59 PM) : it probablysucks
valerinooo (9:02:01 PM) : but
valerinooo (9:02:04 PM) : just think
valerinooo (9:02:16 PM) : its your last year of high school
valerinooo (9:02:22 PM) : is it everything you thought it to be?
Oamr G (9:02:46 PM) : Yes, and no.
Oamr G (9:02:58 PM) : I always prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.
valerinooo (9:03:08 PM) : hmm
Oamr G (9:03:12 PM) : But, no matter how much preparation I go through, I'm never ready.
valerinooo (9:03:15 PM) : how does that work
Oamr G (9:03:18 PM) : It always hits harder than I prepare for.
Oamr G (9:03:46 PM) : It's like living in Kansas, and building a badass tornado shelter, but hoping it'll just be sun and rain all year.
valerinooo (9:04:42 PM) : hmm
valerinooo (9:04:45 PM) : that makes sense
valerinooo (9:05:05 PM) : so you dont get
valerinooo (9:05:07 PM) : a tornado
valerinooo (9:05:08 PM) : you get
valerinooo (9:05:11 PM) : somethign worse?
valerinooo (9:05:31 PM) : like idk
valerinooo (9:05:49 PM) : it seems like a lot of seniors are totally not living right now theyre alll sad or upset abouta lot of things
valerinooo (9:06:08 PM) : like its not very promising
valerinooo (9:06:41 PM) : i dont get how you can shoot so high
valerinooo (9:07:02 PM) : and prepare for the worst
valerinooo (9:07:05 PM) : at the same time
valerinooo (9:07:13 PM) : and you end up falling harder than you actually thought.
valerinooo (9:07:22 PM) : cus i dont think you can do both effectively
valerinooo (9:07:27 PM) : or anyone for tha tmatter
valerinooo (9:07:33 PM) : you're putting yourself in a tough situation
valerinooo (9:07:33 PM) : i think
Oamr G (9:07:40 PM) : The thing is, I'm not aiming high.
Oamr G (9:07:45 PM) : I don't expect anything from anyone.
Oamr G (9:07:55 PM) : But, that doesn't mean my hopes can't be crushed.
valerinooo (9:08:03 PM) : true
Oamr G (9:08:08 PM) : There's a difference between hopes and expectations.
Oamr G (9:08:18 PM) : I just never thought it would hurt so much just to hope.
Oamr G (9:08:42 PM) : It's like wishing upon a star, then watching that star fall and shatter to a million pieces.
Oamr G (9:08:53 PM) : A very disturbing, and unnerving sight.
Oamr G (9:09:06 PM) : I mean, she knew how much it meant to me.
Oamr G (9:09:10 PM) : And, all she did was talk.
Oamr G (9:09:25 PM) : She'd been talking about it since like, November.
Oamr G (9:09:31 PM) : And, didn't do a damn thing.
Oamr G (9:09:42 PM) : That kills me.
valerinooo (9:09:52 PM) : its not too late
valerinooo (9:11:14 PM) : maybe she couldnt?
valerinooo (9:11:19 PM) : financial?
valerinooo (9:11:25 PM) : time?
valerinooo (9:11:26 PM) : like
valerinooo (9:11:41 PM) : idk what you've guys talked about
valerinooo (9:11:42 PM) : but
valerinooo (9:11:51 PM) : i'm sorry you never got asked to sadies
valerinooo (9:12:05 PM) : if thats something you really wished would have happened
Oamr G (9:12:10 PM) : It's all I wanted.
valerinooo (9:12:18 PM) : =/
Oamr G (9:12:24 PM) : The only thing I couldn't do myself.
Oamr G (9:12:29 PM) : I don't ask much of others.
Oamr G (9:12:38 PM) : I go out of my way for people.
valerinooo (9:12:49 PM) : i know
valerinooo (9:12:54 PM) : and you care about others
valerinooo (9:12:55 PM) : a lot too
valerinooo (9:12:59 PM) : but when it comes to yourself
valerinooo (9:13:00 PM) : you get
valerinooo (9:13:02 PM) : nothing back
Oamr G (9:13:03 PM) : And yet, the one time, the ONE TIME I ask for anything, I get blown off.
Oamr G (9:13:08 PM) : And, I'm really sick of it.
Oamr G (9:13:15 PM) : I hate people.
valerinooo (9:13:19 PM) : no you don't
Oamr G (9:13:23 PM) : We're all so dispicable.
valerinooo (9:13:29 PM) : you love people
Oamr G (9:13:35 PM) : No.
Oamr G (9:13:43 PM) : I hope.
Oamr G (9:13:52 PM) : I just hope to find someone just like me out there.
Oamr G (9:14:11 PM) : I want to find that one person that's hurting just like me.
Oamr G (9:14:16 PM) : The one person who cares as much as I do.
valerinooo (9:14:18 PM) : there are lots
Oamr G (9:14:22 PM) : And, I want to give them a hug.
Oamr G (9:14:36 PM) : And tell them that I know what they're going through, and they're not alone.
Oamr G (9:14:48 PM) : Because, that's something I need.
Oamr G (9:14:54 PM) : Where's my Omar?
Oamr G (9:15:04 PM) : Everyone has one but me.
valerinooo (9:15:09 PM) : aw
Oamr G (9:15:09 PM) : And, I'm really jealous.
Oamr G (9:15:22 PM) : They make him sound so wonderful.
valerinooo (9:15:37 PM) : cause he is
Oamr G (9:15:46 PM) : If he is, why don't I have one?
valerinooo (9:15:49 PM) : he does so much for others
valerinooo (9:15:59 PM) : that everyone just takes him in
valerinooo (9:16:10 PM) : and dont notice his needs
Oamr G (9:16:18 PM) : Poor guy.
valerinooo (9:16:19 PM) : theyre pretty selfish
valerinooo (9:16:46 PM) : you'll find an omar
Oamr G (9:16:52 PM) : God, I hope so.
valerinooo (9:16:57 PM) : you'll have one for yourself
valerinooo (9:17:00 PM) : someday
Oamr G (9:17:11 PM) : I'm tired of waiting for someday.
Oamr G (9:17:29 PM) : I want to know what it's like to have someone care.
valerinooo (9:17:39 PM) : don't be afraid to love
Oamr G (9:17:43 PM) : I want to know what it's like for someone to go completely out of their way for me.
valerinooo (9:17:49 PM) : even if they don't seem to love or care about you as much or even at all
valerinooo (9:18:07 PM) : you open yourself up to others
valerinooo (9:18:12 PM) : but you just keep getting crushed
valerinooo (9:18:36 PM) : dont let anyone take you for granted. you show them what you have and who you are
valerinooo (9:19:05 PM) : dont let this change how you act towards ppl. cus im pretty sure they still want the caring Omar
Oamr G (9:19:49 PM) : My mind is selfish, but my heart just can't be.
Oamr G (9:20:05 PM) : And, I wish that sometimes, I listened to my head instead of my heart.
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