Wow.

I'm super shocked at myself. I've been so relaxed and feel like I've had my eyes opened somewhat. I feel like I'm starting to see things for what they are. To be honest, all these big problems that a lot of people seem to think they're going through aren't as big as they think. Maybe I'm making problems seem too small. I'm not exactly sure why I've been feeling this way lately.

But, to be honest, I feel different. Pain has new meaning to me. Problems are different. Even food tastes different. I feel like I'm changing. Maybe drifting? Who knows? Maybe there's a me that even I never knew was there. I'm Afraid yet curious as to what these feelings are.

All I need is some feedback. Should I explore these feelings, or should I play it safe and be who I understand myself to be?

Track.

This year has been an odd experience for me so far. I feel like I'm fast, but my times are as slow as ever. I'm running shit in the 400, terrible in the 200, and I'm only winning in the 100. Yeah, I'm leading my team in points, but it's not like that won't change soon. I'm worried. I feel like I can handle all of this, but I feel so much more pushing me to stop. I almost stopped sprinting on Monday. It was ridiculous. I feel like I need to step it up more. I'm tired of being beaten by a guy who never goes to practice. Yeah, he's a fucking monster, but when does my ship come in? I work damn hard and I go to practice everyday. I even put in extra time and lift with the throwers. I am the hardest working person on my team. It bothers me to think that I just can't be fast. I can't be the sprinter that I see in myself. Tomorrow, we race Magnolia. I don't doubt that we'll win, but that doesn't mean I'm letting my guard down. I have a good shot at doing something good this year, and I'm not letting that fall out of my reach. I have to run a 52 split in the 4x4 on Saturday, even though I'm sick. I'll do it if it kills me. And, I want to break 11 in the damn 100. I get close, but just not close enough. I want to hit a mid 22 in the 200. These are my dreams right now. I want it. Hell, I need it. I need to do this. This is what I spent my last 3 years running for. I don't want to quit now. I don't want to lose anymore. And, I sure as hell don't want to disappoint anyone. This will be the hardest season of my life. And, it won't even be a battle against others. It's against myself.

An Omar

I really don't feel like editing names out, so yeah. Please, just read it, and don't get mad at me. That's all I ask.

valerinooo (8:52:02 PM): alright sorry my internet

valerinooo (8:52:06 PM): is stupid

valerinooo (8:52:08 PM): but

valerinooo (8:52:16 PM): you say your life is good

valerinooo (8:52:19 PM): but emotionaly

valerinooo (8:52:21 PM): its not.

valerinooo (8:52:31 PM): Oamr G (8:43:30 PM): I wouldn't mind being that guy that no one really ever cared to know because he's not interesting at all if it meant leading a life with less pain.

Oamr G (8:52:37 PM): Yeah.

valerinooo (8:52:39 PM): well

valerinooo (8:52:43 PM): if it were that way

valerinooo (8:53:00 PM): wouldnt you probably be thinking the other way around

Oamr G (8:53:33 PM): If I knew me, I wouldn't.

valerinooo (8:55:09 PM): no no no

valerinooo (8:55:37 PM): pain is the result of teh fall

valerinooo (8:55:46 PM): mayb eyou're doing something

valerinooo (8:55:48 PM): wrong

Oamr G (8:56:06 PM): Everyone knew that I wanted to be asked to Sadies.

Oamr G (8:56:09 PM): But, no one.

Oamr G (8:56:16 PM): Not even my own girlfriend asked me.

Oamr G (8:56:26 PM): You know, I had my first meet this past Saturday.

Oamr G (8:56:32 PM): My coach took me off the 4x1.

Oamr G (8:56:45 PM): I sat there from 7:30 to 5:30 doing nothing.

valerinooo (8:56:59 PM): why!

Oamr G (8:57:00 PM): And, when my race is getting ready to start, my coaches decide that we're leaving.

valerinooo (8:57:01 PM): did he take you off?

valerinooo (8:57:08 PM): aw =[

Oamr G (8:57:10 PM): I didn't even get to run.

Oamr G (8:57:46 PM): I let out some steam and rambled for a while, and all I got was, "Dude, relax. It's not a big deal."

Oamr G (8:58:00 PM): No one knew, or cared to know about how much this meet meant to me.

Oamr G (8:58:08 PM): My parents weren't even in town.

Oamr G (8:58:41 PM): but, I still went to the choir show and cast party because they wanted me there.

Oamr G (8:58:46 PM): I was so tired, but I went.

Oamr G (8:59:09 PM): When I got back from the meet though, I went to my car, and just cried.

Oamr G (8:59:13 PM): I broke down.

Oamr G (8:59:18 PM): Today, I broke down again.

Oamr G (8:59:29 PM): I really can't keep doing this.

Oamr G (8:59:43 PM): For a while, I was crying every night.

Oamr G (8:59:59 PM): And, I thought that after a while, it was done with.

Oamr G (9:00:07 PM): I'm still sad.

Oamr G (9:00:14 PM): Everything goes wrong.

Oamr G (9:00:35 PM): And, I wish I could do something about it besides whine because I know that it drives people away.

Oamr G (9:00:39 PM): But, I can't.

Oamr G (9:00:41 PM): I just can't.

Oamr G (9:00:50 PM): I hate being this sad.

Oamr G (9:00:56 PM): It's ridiculous.

valerinooo (9:01:05 PM): i hate you being this sad too

valerinooo (9:01:31 PM): it really does seem like you've been getting hte short end of the stick

valerinooo (9:01:54 PM): but stop thinking bad bad bad, wrong wrong wrong. like i know

valerinooo (9:01:59 PM): it probablysucks

valerinooo (9:02:01 PM): but

valerinooo (9:02:04 PM): just think

valerinooo (9:02:16 PM): its your last year of high school

valerinooo (9:02:22 PM): is it everything you thought it to be?

Oamr G (9:02:46 PM): Yes, and no.

Oamr G (9:02:58 PM): I always prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

valerinooo (9:03:08 PM): hmm

Oamr G (9:03:12 PM): But, no matter how much preparation I go through, I'm never ready.

valerinooo (9:03:15 PM): how does that work

Oamr G (9:03:18 PM): It always hits harder than I prepare for.

Oamr G (9:03:46 PM): It's like living in Kansas, and building a badass tornado shelter, but hoping it'll just be sun and rain all year.

valerinooo (9:04:42 PM): hmm

valerinooo (9:04:45 PM): that makes sense

valerinooo (9:05:05 PM): so you dont get

valerinooo (9:05:07 PM): a tornado

valerinooo (9:05:08 PM): you get

valerinooo (9:05:11 PM): somethign worse?

valerinooo (9:05:31 PM): like idk

valerinooo (9:05:49 PM): it seems like a lot of seniors are totally not living right now theyre alll sad or upset abouta lot of things

valerinooo (9:06:08 PM): like its not very promising

valerinooo (9:06:41 PM): i dont get how you can shoot so high

valerinooo (9:07:02 PM): and prepare for the worst

valerinooo (9:07:05 PM): at the same time

valerinooo (9:07:13 PM): and you end up falling harder than you actually thought.

valerinooo (9:07:22 PM): cus i dont think you can do both effectively

valerinooo (9:07:27 PM): or anyone for tha tmatter

valerinooo (9:07:33 PM): you're putting yourself in a tough situation

valerinooo (9:07:33 PM): i think

Oamr G (9:07:40 PM): The thing is, I'm not aiming high.

Oamr G (9:07:45 PM): I don't expect anything from anyone.

Oamr G (9:07:55 PM): But, that doesn't mean my hopes can't be crushed.

valerinooo (9:08:03 PM): true

Oamr G (9:08:08 PM): There's a difference between hopes and expectations.

Oamr G (9:08:18 PM): I just never thought it would hurt so much just to hope.

Oamr G (9:08:42 PM): It's like wishing upon a star, then watching that star fall and shatter to a million pieces.

Oamr G (9:08:53 PM): A very disturbing, and unnerving sight.

Oamr G (9:09:06 PM): I mean, she knew how much it meant to me.

Oamr G (9:09:10 PM): And, all she did was talk.

Oamr G (9:09:25 PM): She'd been talking about it since like, November.

Oamr G (9:09:31 PM): And, didn't do a damn thing.

Oamr G (9:09:42 PM): That kills me.

valerinooo (9:09:52 PM): its not too late

valerinooo (9:11:14 PM): maybe she couldnt?

valerinooo (9:11:19 PM): financial?

valerinooo (9:11:25 PM): time?

valerinooo (9:11:26 PM): like

valerinooo (9:11:41 PM): idk what you've guys talked about

valerinooo (9:11:42 PM): but

valerinooo (9:11:51 PM): i'm sorry you never got asked to sadies

valerinooo (9:12:05 PM): if thats something you really wished would have happened

Oamr G (9:12:10 PM): It's all I wanted.

valerinooo (9:12:18 PM): =/

Oamr G (9:12:24 PM): The only thing I couldn't do myself.

Oamr G (9:12:29 PM): I don't ask much of others.

Oamr G (9:12:38 PM): I go out of my way for people.

valerinooo (9:12:49 PM): i know

valerinooo (9:12:54 PM): and you care about others

valerinooo (9:12:55 PM): a lot too

valerinooo (9:12:59 PM): but when it comes to yourself

valerinooo (9:13:00 PM): you get

valerinooo (9:13:02 PM): nothing back

Oamr G (9:13:03 PM): And yet, the one time, the ONE TIME I ask for anything, I get blown off.

Oamr G (9:13:08 PM): And, I'm really sick of it.

Oamr G (9:13:15 PM): I hate people.

valerinooo (9:13:19 PM): no you don't

Oamr G (9:13:23 PM): We're all so dispicable.

valerinooo (9:13:29 PM): you love people

Oamr G (9:13:35 PM): No.

Oamr G (9:13:43 PM): I hope.

Oamr G (9:13:52 PM): I just hope to find someone just like me out there.

Oamr G (9:14:11 PM): I want to find that one person that's hurting just like me.

Oamr G (9:14:16 PM): The one person who cares as much as I do.

valerinooo (9:14:18 PM): there are lots

Oamr G (9:14:22 PM): And, I want to give them a hug.

Oamr G (9:14:36 PM): And tell them that I know what they're going through, and they're not alone.

Oamr G (9:14:48 PM): Because, that's something I need.

Oamr G (9:14:54 PM): Where's my Omar?

Oamr G (9:15:04 PM): Everyone has one but me.

valerinooo (9:15:09 PM): aw

Oamr G (9:15:09 PM): And, I'm really jealous.

Oamr G (9:15:22 PM): They make him sound so wonderful.

valerinooo (9:15:37 PM): cause he is

Oamr G (9:15:46 PM): If he is, why don't I have one?

valerinooo (9:15:49 PM): he does so much for others

valerinooo (9:15:59 PM): that everyone just takes him in

valerinooo (9:16:10 PM): and dont notice his needs

Oamr G (9:16:18 PM): Poor guy.

valerinooo (9:16:19 PM): theyre pretty selfish

valerinooo (9:16:46 PM): you'll find an omar

Oamr G (9:16:52 PM): God, I hope so.

valerinooo (9:16:57 PM): you'll have one for yourself

valerinooo (9:17:00 PM): someday

Oamr G (9:17:11 PM): I'm tired of waiting for someday.

Oamr G (9:17:29 PM): I want to know what it's like to have someone care.

valerinooo (9:17:39 PM): don't be afraid to love

Oamr G (9:17:43 PM): I want to know what it's like for someone to go completely out of their way for me.

valerinooo (9:17:49 PM): even if they don't seem to love or care about you as much or even at all

valerinooo (9:18:07 PM): you open yourself up to others

valerinooo (9:18:12 PM): but you just keep getting crushed

valerinooo (9:18:36 PM): dont let anyone take you for granted. you show them what you have and who you are

valerinooo (9:19:05 PM): dont let this change how you act towards ppl. cus im pretty sure they still want the caring Omar

Oamr G (9:19:49 PM): My mind is selfish, but my heart just can't be.

Oamr G (9:20:05 PM): And, I wish that sometimes, I listened to my head instead of my heart.

Today

Today was a day to get owned. And, wow. It was just a giant reminder of why I don't take risks.