2:30 and I can't sleep.

Hmm. I spent the whole Christmas season thinking about how bad this year had been, and all that went wrong. I spent all my time being pessimistic. I never stopped to think about all that went well. I really hate human nature, you know? I wish I would appreciate what I have instead of lamenting over what I don't acquire. It bugs me when I do that, or when others do it too. I hate to hear, "blah blah blah this is wrong," or "blah blah blah I can't go on" even from myself.

but, part of my New Year's resolution is to be grateful for what and who I have.

In essence, be happy with what you've got because you don't know what you have until it's gone.

Gotta love it.

I really want to say some things. I don't know what though. I've been bothered by a lot of things lately, so I think I'll make a list of pet peeves. It's not really for you, but for me. I need to figure out what really pushes my buttons. I'm usually super relaxed, so it's kind of hard to figure things like this out on my own.

I really hate it when:
- people say they'll do something, then bail out.
- people call me and fall asleep really fast.
- people sleep around. So trashy.
- people vote, but don't know jack about what they're voting for.
- people don't understand how the electoral system works, then complain about it.
- stupid people don't shut up because chances are, they're wrong.
- Freshmen and Sophomores join Track just to get out of P.E. I make them run more for it.
- girls try to be super obvious and get your attention.
- girls play stupid games.
- guys use girls.
- girls use guys.
- the good die young, and the bad get everything.
- assholes always get the girl.
- you finally realize that nice guys do finish last.
- people you love do things you hate.
- I can't let certain things go.
- I can see through someone's facade, but others can't.
- I beat myself up for things that I don't control.

And I really hate it when I wake up in the middle of the night and let everything that bothers me get 10 times worse.

Now, there are a lot of things that bug me, but a lot of things make me happy.

I love it when:
- people smile.
- I make others happy.
- I get to go out and skate.
- I write an awesome riff, or lyric that gets stuck in my head.
- I learn how to do something that has eluded me for a long time.
- I get to sit down and watch everyone else do something.
- I can sit in the middle of everyone's merriment and just enjoy the feeling.
- I can cuddle with someone special.
- I get kisses from someone who has been eating ice.
- I get better at things.
- I restart something I gave up long ago.
- I see couples who are genuinely happy.
- friends are happy, and nothing else matters.
- little kids laugh.
- little kids smile.
- little kids look up to me.
- I get to teach or play with kids.
- puppies jump on me.
- others learn that we all just need to slow down, take a step back, and relax.
- I slow down, take a step back, and relax.

And, I really love it when people are nice to each other.

Have you ever...

had that feeling where you feel awesome about yourself? Just, that one moment of glory for you? For whatever reason, the world's eyes seem transfixed on you and it's finally at the right time. I love that feeling. I've had it once, maybe twice. I just read a bulletin with the question, "What's your favorite feeling?", and right away, I thought of league finals last year. I felt like a million bucks. I always think back to running at night, under those stadium lights, having people scream and shout trying to root me and the other runners on. I remember feeling like I was going to let the whole team down, then deciding not to. It's like a rollercoaster of emotions, pain, happiness, and astonishment all in under a minute. I'll never forget it. I don't know why all this made me want to post a blog, but it did. Either way, it makes me proud. I may not be good at many things, but I have those moments. Those relays, live songs, and skate jams that will always live on in my memories.

It really is an amazing feeling.

Question

What is music? I'd really like to know what your definition of music is. No wrong answers. Just tell me. :]

Rant, rant, rant.

Everyone needs a little love sometimes. I know I do. Ha. How pathetic. I feel very alone, sad, confused, worried, neglected, and fast. I say I feel fast because it seems that the days are flying by, and I accomplish absolutely nothing. I am doing nothing with my life and that is really starting to bother me. Everyone complains about all the "crap" they have to do and about how they have no time. I'd rather have that, instead of just sitting here dwindling my life away. Why is it that we feel the need to be wanted? Why do I want to be loved? Why do I ask so much of everyone? Why am I so curious? I haven't had an insightful thought in days. I'm gradually getting stupider, and it really bothers me. At the same time, that's the least of my worries. I keep worrying about how I'll do this upcoming season. I don't know if I'll even make it to season. I need something. I know what it is, but it's one of those few things that can't happen by my own doing. Silly, ain't it? I know that a few people love me, and I don't doubt that, but right now, I need some support. I need some of that love. I need comfort. It's just one of those days, weeks, or however long it will be, that I need comfort because I can't stand on my own. I'm going nowhere, and life's passing me by all the time.

I need a pick-me-up. A hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, a hand on the shoulder, and reassurance that things will get better soon.

Ah, Seniority

Being a Senior is starting to finally make some sense to me. I'd spent some time trying to figure out what was so special about being a Senior. After a while, I realized it. It sets you apart from the other kids in school. I stand in the lines at lunch, and even though I'm not the tallest perseon there, I don't look like the other kids. I hold myself better, and it seems with more humility than the Freshmen and Sophomores who think it's funny to throw food around.

Besides the physical differences, I've noticed other things.

When I run in Track now, I have this newfound confidence and drive. I haven't felt this way since I was a Freshman, and even then, I still feel different. It's great. I finish all the runs and workouts first, and not because I got lucky, or I was having a good day. I do it because I want it. I push myself, and I make sure that I get in front and stay in front.

Being a Senior changes you mentally. You think differently. You realize that highschool isn't really different than life. You think that there are certain things that everyone knows that you don't, or that there are people that are extremely complex. This year, I realized that there isn't anything entirely new that I don't know about people. I don't know it all, but this year is helping me open up my eyes.

I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm happy, and I have relationships with the people I want to have relationships with.

Senior year's the shit.

Wow.

When did everything become a giant popularity contest? People's feelings no longer matter, and we're all so fake.

High school is the greatest thing ever.

Prop 2

Okay, Prop 2. Humane rights for animals? You want my food to be able to exercise before it dies? You can go ahead and pay for my food if you like, but until then, go out, buy your own animals, and let them jazzercise. I'm not paying extra money so that the animals that I will sooner or later consume can be treated nicely. Why isn't there a proposition that would mandate that I need a desk in school that lets me move around freely? What if I want to be able to turn around, or lay down in my desk? That's impractical. Well, so is this proposition. Our economy is doing poorly as it is. Granted, 2015 is years away, but who's to say that a recession won't last that long? You never know what's going to happen. This proposition will sooner or later cause the increase in prices of our food and necessities, making it harder to live. I know that there are a lot of PETA supporters who vote "yes" for this proposition. You're all hypocrites. You want the ethical treatment of my food while your organization issued a work-order that informed it's employees to kill domesticated, orphan animals? Please. Get out of my face.

Because I know you'd care...

You said your secret wish was to be mentioned, even once, in one of my blogs. That, in itself, showed me that my words have a high value with you. That means a lot to me.

I remember re-enacting The Titanic with you. You were so young back then. Now, look at you. Matured, and modeling. Here I am, still not doing anything with my life. I'm really proud that I had the chance to meet you. I would have missed out on a good actress, and a much better friend. Haha. I like how you thought I was so old because of my dirty looks. To be honest, I feel old. I may not be mature physically, or mentally, but I feel old. This almost isn't a blog. I feel like I'm talking to you, more than I am writing to you. I guess that's a good thing, huh? Well, I did this because a little bird told me that it was something that you kind of wanted. I know this didn't have anything extremely deep or meaningful, but I still put just as much thought into this as I do other blogs.

So, with love, I end this blog.

:]

Sick

Lately, I seem to be stuck in a rut. I can't seem to catch a break.
My parents have been on my case so much lately.
My teachers at school are giving me shit.
I want to beat up a punk-ass Freshman.
My dad's an asshole, and I know it'll never change, yet I still love him.

I'm going to complain for the rest of this blog. I'm going to talk about things that still bother me, even though they shouldn't.

-I know it was such a long time ago, but why'd you do it? I just can't figure it out. Thinking about it still hurts just as much as it did when I found out.
-I'll never be good enough, will I?
-I know you're stressed out from work and other things, but why do I always get the barrel of the gun?
-You did a really good job of raising me, except for the fact that you always made me feel inferior.
-You were hardly ever there. Why do I always miss you? Why does it mean so much to me when you go to my meets?
-Why do you make things so hard sometimes?
-Must everything be school, and work, and school, and work?
-How come you never bring me good news anymore?
-All this shit goes on, and you sit there and tell me that I'm hard to talk to? You'd wonder why.
-I used to love talking to both of you, but you make it so hard to trust you with my feelings. I'm always hesitant to tell you things because you get so worked up over the smallest things.
-Lately, our schedule is: Morning- fight, afternoon-act like nothing happened, night-seemingly okay. Lather, rinse, repeat.
-I miss the old you.
-I miss the old you too.
-If you two didn't mean so damn much to me, I'd have left years ago.
-If I didn't take your feelings into consideration, I wouldn't be here right now.
-You gave me life, and I appreciate that. You don't seem to realize that you can also give me grief, pain, stress, love, happiness, and affection.
-Lately, it seems like those last three things have been coming less and less.
-I worry about your health. Both of you
-Why do I feel like you two don't care about me as much as I care about you?
-You provide me with shelter, and food, but is it wrong to ask for more?
-I love how you can sit there and tell me that you raised me right, then turn around and call me selfish, spoiled, and a brat.
-Why do I feel so bad right now?
-I don't see why you insist on sticking around. It seems all I ever do is disappoint you and let you down.
-Leaving me to walk home in the rain is one thing. But, when someone else needs the ride, why do they have to suffer?
-I already told you that your best friend is my 2nd period teacher, yet you still hound me for being late to class and helping keep your students in it? That's cold.
-You need to learn how to protect my artwork, dude. I'm sure that's not the only project that'll be stolen this year.
-I need some help, man. Is this the sickest case of karma, or what?
-You don't even know me. I hate you with a passion for what you did. The only thing that makes me smile about all this is that she still picked me, you stupid prick.
-I hate you too. How she fell for such a stupid line, I don't know. But, be wary. If I ever hear about you making a pass again, I'll rip out your throat.
-I don't know how you did it. Fucking bro. No matter. I hate you too.
-Those last three guys all have one thing in common.
-I hate the three of them for the same reason.
- I take back what I said about those three guys. I don't care about what they did, I don't care that it happened, and I don't care if it happens again. I'm really tired of all the nonsense.
-I'm tired of all this bullshit lately.
-Whatever has been keeping me from breaking down, thanks. I don't know what, or who you are, but you're saving my life.
-Lately, I've been picked on so much that I can feel it weighing down on me.
-I really want to cry right now
-I haven't been this angry and/ or sad in a while.
-I really hate everything right now.
-Give me reason not to give up

Dear New York,

Dear Miss "Stay out until 4am",

I do worry about you. I don't worry about you because of what you're doing, but because you're too far away for me to give you a hug when you really need it.

You make decisions for you. That's why you're in college. It's not for us, or anyone to tell you what to do. We can give you advice, if you want it, but nothing more.

Personally, I'm behind you, and I support you 100%, even if I don't agree with what you're doing. Just know that I will always be here for you.

Sincerely, Mr. "Predictable"


Dear Miss "Homesick",

It's been quite a while since I've seen you, or even talked to you. I can't help but notice you miss us. That makes me happy. It tells me that I - better yet, we still have a place in your heart.

You still have a place in my heart, for sure. You're a great friend, and I'm so glad I got to know you in such a short amount of time.

Whenever you're down here, give me a call, or something, yes? It would be very much appreciated.

Sincerely, Mr. "Friend-sick"


Dear Carmen,

I'm super happy to see that you're doing what you want with your life. You've found your place; you know that's where you want to be. I'm proud of you.

Don't expect to learn too much yet. It's just G.E. after all. Besides, aren't life lessons the best kind? It's hard to learn about things like life without experiencing them, so more power to you.

Just to say, I won't forget about you. We'll be psyched when you come to visit.

Well, I will, if anything.

Love, Omar

28.

Let's give this a shot, shall we? I'll make a list of people based on characteristics, and you figure out who they are.

1. We go on and off between being really close, and just acquaintances. But, I do love you. And, you can always talk to me. :]

2. Good God, woman. I love you. Haha. You're always there for me, even if that's a silent promise. You're really pretty too. Also, I enjoy seeing what you two have together. You're both close to me, and I love spending time with you, even if it kind of makes me a third wheel. :\ Haha.

3. I think you're pretty, and I have had a bad situation with you at Loftis' birthday. Haha.

4. I honestly thought I might have been growing apart from you, and seriously believed it for a while. But, I love you. No matter what. You'll always be close to me, big little sister.

5. Man, 7th grade. Yang's class. Look at how far we've come since then. You're undoubtedly one of my best friends, ever.

6. You helped me through so much in the past, and it seems that nothing goes your way. God knows, that I wish it could. I'd give you the world if I could. You totally deserve it.

7. People have mixed feelings about you. I don't have any problems with you, and I think you're quite fun to be around. Carl's Jr. Good times, good times. :]

8. Haha. I remember when I open-chested you in 8th grade. But, it's not funny how you kept growing, and I didn't. You're a great guy, and you're funny as hell. Haha.

9. You and I had our beef after 7th grade, but we seem to be cool now, even though we don't talk anymore. What's past is past, and I see that you and I have both grown. Well, you lost weight, so you've grown and shrunk? Haha.

10. It seems that you've become more and more of an introvert as the years went on. I miss the guy who used to go out and do stuff with everyone.

11. I could not ask for a better friend. I learn a lot from you, and I hope you learn as much as you can from me. You provide a great contrast to my personality. You're not my best friend. You're my brother.

12. "I'm going to finish this line with one thing. Vivid memories and feelings make me yearn for what I used to have."

13. Haha. You've grown so much since 7th grade, but at the same time, you didn't grow a lot. You're a lot of fun to be around, and you're fun to stay up with at sleepovers. :]

14. Sometimes, I don't like to be around you. Most of the time, you're fun. Haha. Although, there are way too many inside jokes that go on in your everyday conversations.

15. Gah. Big hole in your logic with that last one, doof. You can be fun, but I'm thinking he was right about you.

16. One day, someone will stand up and cuss you out for all of the shit you do. Still, I can't hate you. You can be fun as well.

17. We were really close, but I fear that we're drifting apart. and, I know it's my fault. :\

18. Dude, I'd suggest you move on. It seems as if you're only going to get hurt from this. I really hope you do move on, and soon.

19. You still provide so much insight from which I draw a better perspective and I make better decisions due to that. Thank you. So much. :]

20. You are a weird person. At times, it seems that all you think about is one thing. Then, you surprise me with all this deep meaning. Who knows? I guess that's just how you work.

21. From what I hear, you're pretty hard-headed. And from what I've experienced, you are.

22. You have a big head, and people tell me you're jealous of me and my friend. I don't have a problem with you though. I guess, it's just you.

23. I love you, little girl. Haha. You're a bunch of fun. Too bad you're not a TA again. :[

24. You Asian asshole. You're the greatest. Haha. :]

25. You surprise me in both good and bad ways. But, hey. You're always full of surprises, so I don't know why I'm still surprised.

26. You were so nice to me when you went to Oxford. I would have totally dated you, but I'd rather save the friendship. You're too cool to screw things up with.

27. You're a really interesting guy. Always open. Good stuff, mang.

28. Ah, you've changed so much. For the better, it seems. 7th grade, bitter enemies. But, I always thought you were pretty. Haha. Weird, huh? Well, it's a good thing now because you're prettier, and you're super nice. :] Keep in touch with me when we go off to college, yeah?

How do you feel when I say...?

Taylor has the right idea. If you haven't read his blog, then read it.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=28689980&blogID=434735675

Anyway, on that note, it's people who are offended by words that are the sole cause of making those words offensive. When someone says, "gay", and you take it as a derogatory term, then it is you who makes that word offensive. If someone called me anything that our society deems negative, and I was not offended, then that word loses its power.

Take it this way. If I were to use the word, "nigger", the whole world would go ballistic because they deemed it an offensive term. If no one thought of it as a bad word, then it would lose its effect. It wouldn't lead to fights, or anything of that sort.

So, to those of you who get all pissed off when people say a word that you don't like, it's your own damn fault for that word having that kind of effect.

Get your heads out of your asses, and pull your feet out of your mouths.

Ignorant fucks.