I have to say

It really sucks having dad issues. Just when you think you can't cry anymore, you grab your "World's Best Dad" mug, and bask in the irony until the heart goes numb.

I hate you. So much. You will always be the biggest piece of shit loser to me.

I love you. So much. You will always be the best dad ever.

I think the only person on this planet who misses you or has any sense of respect for you is me, and I'm getting around to feeling the same way as the rest of the world

I hope you don't die alone. God knows I want to be there to tell you I love you because I'll never forget all the loneliness and heartache. That's why I want to be there when you die. To give you what you never gave me. It's poetic justice, the ultimate irony, and perfect revenge.

Here.

I'll be honest. I hate it when you flirt with other guys. Especially behind my back. I hate when you lie to me. I hate being in the dark. I hate how you can always make me worry. I hate how you always make me worry. And, I really hate how you're the only person I've ever known who can get to me like this. I'm not mad, or sad. This is just some epiphany that was painfully obvious long ago, I just wanted to write it down, and that's it. I guess, I'm just writing this here so you can't say I never told you EXACTLY what bothers me. You know how you get technical about this stuff. So, I'll play your way. I won't expect you to assume things bother me anymore. I'll get more and more specific as time goes on, and you can choose to respect those things, or disregard them.

I love you. I really do. I just hope you get it now.

Wow.

It would seem that I'm quite the hot topic.

What's the date today?

I don't even think it matters at this point. I just know that today was the day that I realized that I'm fed up with all these problems. I'm tired of everyone giving me something else to stress about. I'm tired of trying to be nice. I feel like I have to throw up. It blew my mind to find out that I'm stressed through my body showing physical signs of tension. Then, it all hit me like Manny Pacquiao. I realized just how much I'm really, really fucking tired of. One day. One day, I'll snap. Then, maybe people will learn that I hurt too, sometimes.

"It's time to leave, you'll never be lonely again."

I can't wait for the day someone says that to me.

This time.

Today, my mom and I got in another fight. How many times do you seriously HAVE to tell me not to do badly in classes anymore? I'm 19. I get it. When you tell me that I can't get a C whenever you talk to me, it's going to make me mad. Maybe instead of jumping on my case for the C, you could give me some credit for pulling up yet another shitty Freshman GPA. But, of course, that doesn't cross your mind. 

You just pay attention to the fact that I got upset, so it's "attitude"(could the quotations be anymore ironic?). 

Anyway, you made eggs for breakfast. My favorite. 

Except, this time, there weren't any for me. 

Yellowcard

I just realized how much I miss you. 

Miles Apart, please take me away. 

And, Life of a Salesman, I'll always keep you close to my heart. 

Driving home.

I cried during my drive home this morning. I was feeling fine, then it just snuck up on me. I'm okay, but sometimes I need to shed a few tears to help mend a broken heart.


P.S. I'm really glad nobody reads this anymore. 

No Use For A Name - Black Box

Up here sedated in my seat,
Can't wait until i can see my feet
And run away from stupid things i've said
I'll be here a few days from now,
We'll talk about it when i come down
If we make it this time, I'll clean the stain i've bled

Our worlds collide in new beginnings
It's an emergency permission to bail out
So when the heart crash lands,
What memories will survive?
I thank my black box that i'm alive

I feel unlucky today, can't wash the panic off my face
Didn't learn a thing from the last time
I'ts so selfish to be so confused,
Heart beats like rapid fire
So close to the edge but far away in mind

Two days to go until i see you
Looks like we can call the ambulance down there
My head is touching down i've learned to be afraid
I thank my black box that you're the same