Catalina

I was really sad that you left tonight. You didn't even stay for my last night in town. Sure, I'll only be gone until Tuesday, but you could have stayed just for a little while. By the way, it doesn't help at all that you can text me, saying that you're home, but won't reply to anything else I have to say afterwards.

I'm actually pretty upset right now. Maybe a long run will help.

The only thing that sucks about running is I end up right back where I started.

Catalina, I hope you make me feel better. God knows, I need something. Anything.

See you all whenever.

It's funny.

I can't believe the irony of blurting out all the things that make me cry when I'm alone while I'm sitting in the middle of the happiest place on earth.

Dear Erin,
     I talked about you today. I said the usual things I say when I'm feeling sad and talking to you about us. That doesn't define who you are to me. Or to anyone else. Not anyone that matters, at least. I'm trying to think of a thousand other things to say besides "I love you" because I feel that you grow tired of me saying it to you in any situation that's sad. The thing is, I don't want to say anything besides "I love you". It's all I need to say. If you really understood what it means when I say it, you'd know that "I love you" is all I need to say. For all the things I've been through, all the things you've put me through, all the things I've put you through, and all the things we've been through together, I still have to have you. I've hugged you so many times, and have given you so many kisses, it'd take the rest of our lives to count them all. I still have that insatiable urge to hug and kiss you like when a couple first gets together. You can believe anything you want to believe about me and how I feel. That won't change how I actually feel.

I love you.

Disneyland

Today, I told you everything that breaks my heart. What's funny is that it broke my heart to tell you, and not the people I thought would actually want to hear this from me. I felt terrible for making you sit through all the things I feel every day. Maybe if things were different, I wouldn't be in this position right now. Maybe I wouldn't be the way I am. I feel like I push everyone away these days. And the ones I don't feel like I'm pushing away are the ones I'd like to push away. I feel like I'm losing the ones I'd take a bullet for, and gaining ones I'd like to put a bullet in. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess, this is the only thing that will listen without me feeling like a burden.

Dear Class of '08 (minus Shanell, Stephanie, and Angela),
     Fuck you. You were all so stuck up. I didn't even know a fraction of the lot of you who hated me. I'd seriously love to meet you all in person someday. It'd make my day to give you all a black eye and a few bruised ribs.

Dear best friend,
     You're one of the only people who I have never EVER grown tired of. I could spend every day hanging out with you, and it wouldn't matter what we did. I'd still have fun. You're my best friend. I've never been closer to anyone. Just know, I'll always be here if you want a best friend. A judgmental, self-righteous, boring, egotistical, arrogant, ignorant, stupid, and any other kind of negative adjective you can think of, best friend.

Dear Class of '10
     You're just as bad as '08. Passing judgment on those you don't know. Don't fuck with this "goat".

Dear drummer,
     You know, I have to be your roommate next year. Quite frankly, I'm already having a hard time dealing with you. You're so stuck up about music that the rest of us as a band has to try so hard to please you. You're reasoning for not playing half of the stuff we'd like to play is total bullshit. You're not even that good. Oh, and quit making jokes about my girlfriend, and talking shit about my friend behind his back. I swear on my fist, the next time you make a sex joke about Erin, or say something about my friend,  I'll drive my fist right through your face.

Dear bassist,
     I love you. I'm sorry about how I've been lately, but please trust me. It's for your benefit and my own. What I will say is that what you said about my friend at Lisa's really pissed me off.

Dear guitarist,
     You're dumb, but I love you. You manage to make me laugh by irritating me with your impeccably retarded, yet genius logic. Come back from 'Nam soon, please.

Dear little girl,
     I'll be your friend, but I want you to know that you need to learn to apologize to people. Sooner or later, you'll run out of friends to walk all over.

I know I'm flawed. I know I have no right to point a finger at any of you. I know that some of you may not talk to me after this. I also know that most of you won't even know this is here. Maybe it's best that way. I guess I just have to keep struggling until I break. I don't know what I did to deserve all of the things that kill little pieces of me, but to think that I'd deserve to be completely alone, without a single person who will ever be truly honest with me. I must have done something terrible, or maybe I'm just one hell of a bastard. All I know is that my heart is broken. Not by any single person, or action, but by everything.

I need to put this down somewhere.

You have no idea how much it hurts to be me everyday.