Rant, rant, rant.

Everyone needs a little love sometimes. I know I do. Ha. How pathetic. I feel very alone, sad, confused, worried, neglected, and fast. I say I feel fast because it seems that the days are flying by, and I accomplish absolutely nothing. I am doing nothing with my life and that is really starting to bother me. Everyone complains about all the "crap" they have to do and about how they have no time. I'd rather have that, instead of just sitting here dwindling my life away. Why is it that we feel the need to be wanted? Why do I want to be loved? Why do I ask so much of everyone? Why am I so curious? I haven't had an insightful thought in days. I'm gradually getting stupider, and it really bothers me. At the same time, that's the least of my worries. I keep worrying about how I'll do this upcoming season. I don't know if I'll even make it to season. I need something. I know what it is, but it's one of those few things that can't happen by my own doing. Silly, ain't it? I know that a few people love me, and I don't doubt that, but right now, I need some support. I need some of that love. I need comfort. It's just one of those days, weeks, or however long it will be, that I need comfort because I can't stand on my own. I'm going nowhere, and life's passing me by all the time.

I need a pick-me-up. A hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, a hand on the shoulder, and reassurance that things will get better soon.

Ah, Seniority

Being a Senior is starting to finally make some sense to me. I'd spent some time trying to figure out what was so special about being a Senior. After a while, I realized it. It sets you apart from the other kids in school. I stand in the lines at lunch, and even though I'm not the tallest perseon there, I don't look like the other kids. I hold myself better, and it seems with more humility than the Freshmen and Sophomores who think it's funny to throw food around.

Besides the physical differences, I've noticed other things.

When I run in Track now, I have this newfound confidence and drive. I haven't felt this way since I was a Freshman, and even then, I still feel different. It's great. I finish all the runs and workouts first, and not because I got lucky, or I was having a good day. I do it because I want it. I push myself, and I make sure that I get in front and stay in front.

Being a Senior changes you mentally. You think differently. You realize that highschool isn't really different than life. You think that there are certain things that everyone knows that you don't, or that there are people that are extremely complex. This year, I realized that there isn't anything entirely new that I don't know about people. I don't know it all, but this year is helping me open up my eyes.

I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm happy, and I have relationships with the people I want to have relationships with.

Senior year's the shit.

Wow.

When did everything become a giant popularity contest? People's feelings no longer matter, and we're all so fake.

High school is the greatest thing ever.

Prop 2

Okay, Prop 2. Humane rights for animals? You want my food to be able to exercise before it dies? You can go ahead and pay for my food if you like, but until then, go out, buy your own animals, and let them jazzercise. I'm not paying extra money so that the animals that I will sooner or later consume can be treated nicely. Why isn't there a proposition that would mandate that I need a desk in school that lets me move around freely? What if I want to be able to turn around, or lay down in my desk? That's impractical. Well, so is this proposition. Our economy is doing poorly as it is. Granted, 2015 is years away, but who's to say that a recession won't last that long? You never know what's going to happen. This proposition will sooner or later cause the increase in prices of our food and necessities, making it harder to live. I know that there are a lot of PETA supporters who vote "yes" for this proposition. You're all hypocrites. You want the ethical treatment of my food while your organization issued a work-order that informed it's employees to kill domesticated, orphan animals? Please. Get out of my face.

Because I know you'd care...

You said your secret wish was to be mentioned, even once, in one of my blogs. That, in itself, showed me that my words have a high value with you. That means a lot to me.

I remember re-enacting The Titanic with you. You were so young back then. Now, look at you. Matured, and modeling. Here I am, still not doing anything with my life. I'm really proud that I had the chance to meet you. I would have missed out on a good actress, and a much better friend. Haha. I like how you thought I was so old because of my dirty looks. To be honest, I feel old. I may not be mature physically, or mentally, but I feel old. This almost isn't a blog. I feel like I'm talking to you, more than I am writing to you. I guess that's a good thing, huh? Well, I did this because a little bird told me that it was something that you kind of wanted. I know this didn't have anything extremely deep or meaningful, but I still put just as much thought into this as I do other blogs.

So, with love, I end this blog.

:]

Sick

Lately, I seem to be stuck in a rut. I can't seem to catch a break.
My parents have been on my case so much lately.
My teachers at school are giving me shit.
I want to beat up a punk-ass Freshman.
My dad's an asshole, and I know it'll never change, yet I still love him.

I'm going to complain for the rest of this blog. I'm going to talk about things that still bother me, even though they shouldn't.

-I know it was such a long time ago, but why'd you do it? I just can't figure it out. Thinking about it still hurts just as much as it did when I found out.
-I'll never be good enough, will I?
-I know you're stressed out from work and other things, but why do I always get the barrel of the gun?
-You did a really good job of raising me, except for the fact that you always made me feel inferior.
-You were hardly ever there. Why do I always miss you? Why does it mean so much to me when you go to my meets?
-Why do you make things so hard sometimes?
-Must everything be school, and work, and school, and work?
-How come you never bring me good news anymore?
-All this shit goes on, and you sit there and tell me that I'm hard to talk to? You'd wonder why.
-I used to love talking to both of you, but you make it so hard to trust you with my feelings. I'm always hesitant to tell you things because you get so worked up over the smallest things.
-Lately, our schedule is: Morning- fight, afternoon-act like nothing happened, night-seemingly okay. Lather, rinse, repeat.
-I miss the old you.
-I miss the old you too.
-If you two didn't mean so damn much to me, I'd have left years ago.
-If I didn't take your feelings into consideration, I wouldn't be here right now.
-You gave me life, and I appreciate that. You don't seem to realize that you can also give me grief, pain, stress, love, happiness, and affection.
-Lately, it seems like those last three things have been coming less and less.
-I worry about your health. Both of you
-Why do I feel like you two don't care about me as much as I care about you?
-You provide me with shelter, and food, but is it wrong to ask for more?
-I love how you can sit there and tell me that you raised me right, then turn around and call me selfish, spoiled, and a brat.
-Why do I feel so bad right now?
-I don't see why you insist on sticking around. It seems all I ever do is disappoint you and let you down.
-Leaving me to walk home in the rain is one thing. But, when someone else needs the ride, why do they have to suffer?
-I already told you that your best friend is my 2nd period teacher, yet you still hound me for being late to class and helping keep your students in it? That's cold.
-You need to learn how to protect my artwork, dude. I'm sure that's not the only project that'll be stolen this year.
-I need some help, man. Is this the sickest case of karma, or what?
-You don't even know me. I hate you with a passion for what you did. The only thing that makes me smile about all this is that she still picked me, you stupid prick.
-I hate you too. How she fell for such a stupid line, I don't know. But, be wary. If I ever hear about you making a pass again, I'll rip out your throat.
-I don't know how you did it. Fucking bro. No matter. I hate you too.
-Those last three guys all have one thing in common.
-I hate the three of them for the same reason.
- I take back what I said about those three guys. I don't care about what they did, I don't care that it happened, and I don't care if it happens again. I'm really tired of all the nonsense.
-I'm tired of all this bullshit lately.
-Whatever has been keeping me from breaking down, thanks. I don't know what, or who you are, but you're saving my life.
-Lately, I've been picked on so much that I can feel it weighing down on me.
-I really want to cry right now
-I haven't been this angry and/ or sad in a while.
-I really hate everything right now.
-Give me reason not to give up