Yesterday.

Was a good day. Had fun, and felt really happy. Still really happy. :]

Raindrops.

I ran today. Four miles in the rain. I went super slow, and let myself wander. All I did was listen to John Mayer's "Gravity" the whole time. You know how many times you can listen to that song in an hour? Neither do I, nor do I care. I cried the whole time. I miss a lot of my old friends. I miss a lot of people I don't talk to anymore. I miss when we all cared. I miss being happy. I'd love to sit down with everyone, anyone, one on one, and tell them how I feel about them. All the good, and the bad. Then, if you all decided to hate me afterwards, that's fine.

All I know right now is that running in the rain is what kept me going today. It's quite amazing, and if you haven't already tried it, I definitely suggest you do, whoever still reads this.

Gravity

I'm sitting here, listening to John Mayer, and that alone is probably what's keeping me here. I'm not going to lie, my life is really fucking hard right now, and the hugest part of me just wants to curl up into a little ball and die. Yeah, I've got a lot to be thankful for, but it does me no good when I hate myself. Please, don't ask why, I just do. I keep playing "Gravity" over and over, and it seems that every time it ends, it comes too soon. Anyway, I just don't know what to do right now. I feel cheap, used, stupid, immoral, and most of all, just plain old sad. I gave up my morals for a stupid decision that didn't even help me. Cheap thrills are the stupidest things. They're also the darnedest. I hate them, and how I can't seem to stay away from them.

So, my depression, my sadness, my problems, are all my fault. Just my own. My unhappiness is my own doing. Right now, forget my dreams, ambitions, goals, aspirations, and anything else that motivates me.

Oh, gravity. Stay the hell away from me.

This is going to sound really funny.

I feel used.

So, thanks. Now, I really hate myself.

R.I.P. Self Esteem: 19??-2010

These past few weeks

have totally and completely helped me.

I know this is wrong,

but I'm really upset at the both of you because of the way you treat people. It just sucks that we used to be close.

But, to you. The way you treat us, is just fucking wrong.

And, you? The way you treat them is even worse.

So, as your friend, I say,

Fuck the both of you, and grow the fuck up.

You know.

I seriously thought you'd have been there. Maybe I was wrong.

I'd like to clarify something

A lot of people say it's okay for people to get abortions if they're raped. It doesn't matter if they're raped or not, they have the right to abort, regardless. I just don't like when people use it as an excuse like a woman wouldn't want a child just because she was raped.

Just so you know why I'm saying this, my mom was raped, and I am the product of said abuse. I happen to think I'm pretty fucking awesome considering most people, or women, wouldn't have kept me. So, when you argue that women who get pregnant through rape don't want the child, think again.

Keep it beating.

I'm still human. I know I am. At least, I think so. I couldn't really tell you if you asked me what made me human, so maybe I'm not. Lately, my emotions have surprised me. I've managed to buck up to the hardest of hardships I've had to face so far in my life. I don't even know where the strength came from, nor do I know who the hell lent me their sense of understanding. All I know is I hope it's all for a good reason. This was extremely hard for me. Well, maybe not me, but just my heart. That's the ticket, it seems. My mind, my emotions, my body, and everything else about me is quite fine.

I can just feel that one feeling that we all know too well. That one that just sits in the pit of your stomach for no apparent reason. I'm not even sad. But, I can tell my heart hurts. It's hurting like never before. There's just something that's keeping the dam from breaking. Whatever it is, I'm forever grateful for it. My mom's yelling at me to come eat now, so I'm cutting this a bit short.

Someone, anyone. Please. Save my heart. I really need it, and this is the one time I can't save it myself.

something says

I'm not really okay.

81

This is my 81st post. Not really a special number. But, I guess it's more so what I have to say that's really important.

After all of this, I will say with confidence that I'm a man.