I need this.

I can't stand anything right now. I need sleep medication. I'm probably going to develop a Benadryl addiction soon. I'm so tense, and everything hurts so bad, yet it all feels so distant. I'm alone, and I'm pushing people away. I figure making myself more lonely now will help me appreciate what I have later. Maybe I'm just tricking myself. Maybe loneliness is in my head. Our heads. Whatever. One day, I'm either going to die from this, or live to tell the tale, so to speak. I don't know which one I want more. How fucking lame am I? I think Taylor and I are the only ones left who still use this. And, not that his posts aren't important or heartfelt, but I invest so much more of my time in this. Constantly reloading, constantly checking this stupid blog that's fallen out of the peripheral vision of everyone's attention, just to see if anyone had anything to say about anything I feel. I don't want to ask people to read this because, well, it'd feel forced. How can anyone say I make a difference if I'm not even visible? It's fucking insanity. I'm fucking insane these days. I don't know what I need, but whatever it is, I need it so bad.