Um.

The Arrogant Sons of Bitches is a really good band.

It's upbeat depression. I never thought I'd be able to see that. It's quite fantastic.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

I miss you. I really do. I've been crying about it since the clock struck Christmas. I just wish you'd give me a hug and tell me you love me. I miss my dad, Dad.

If there's anything I want from you today, it's love. Not money. Not presents. Just love. Please, show up today. I need you. I don't know why, but I do. You're my dad. That's reason enough.

I love you, Dad. Despite every bad thing I've ever said about you, I love you.

Please come home for Christmas.

Love, Om.

Christensen

I still remember you laughing at me for getting an answer wrong in 7th grade. Fucking seven or eight years ago, and it still bugs me. That's not the only thing you did to fuck me up, but that's all that's important right now.

There are good things that came with that. I know much more now than I did then. Not to mention, I also wised up to your bullshit and can see just how stupid you really are. You're not smart. You're not a joy to be around. You're a fucking cunt. All I remember about you is how condescending and stuck up you were. I feel bad for your kids and your husband. I'm sure they fucking hate that they're stuck with you.

Suck my figurative cock, bitch.

What happened?

When I was young, I didn't give a shit. About anything pointless at least. I miss being able to take bites of food the size I wanted. So what if my mouth looks full? It's closed. I like taking big bites of food.

This whole maturity thing really just made everyone self-conscious. I never cared about the way I looked while eating food, and to some extent I still don't. I just wish everyone else would leave me alone about it.

I've never thought about this.

Is it wrong for me to not value what others say because of their inability to phrase it?

I find that I dismiss what a lot of people say because it doesn't sound like what they actually mean. Usually, it's a lesson that I had learned long before they had mentioned it, but what happens when it's something I haven't encountered?

Am I a bad person for doing this?

Awesome

I spend every December thinking about what I've done wrong.
I still haven't forgiven myself for anything.
Every December is bitter-sweet because I still pretend I'm on Santa's list.
It seems I break more and more bonds with people every year.
How many more years will I have until I'm so alone that I no longer have even the slightest acquaintance with someone?
I haven't enjoyed my own birthday since I was a kid.
I find everyone else's birthdays much more enjoyable.
I wish I could enjoy something nice for myself without feeling terrible.
I don't even know why I'm writing this.
I'm not even sure why I'm crying, but I am.
I'd like to catch a break.
Maybe just some time without feeling stressed and cornered.
That'd be a great birthday present.
Too bad that can't be a gift from a person.
I just wish that life would leave me alone for a while.
I'm not as happy as I think I am.
Maybe I've just been lying to myself.




I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me. What went wrong?

After this week

After everything that's happened this week, I don't know why I stand up for you and put up with all of this. 

Maybe I feel a little neglected, but I guess that's my fault, or at the very least not yours. Since it's always about who's to blame with you, it doesn't really matter what the problem is, does it? And you wonder why I said nothing was wrong. It's because I knew you were going to blame me. I'm always to blame. And, you'll just be mad and do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences, like you always do. I'm just sick and tired of this, and just girls in general. 

This week just can't get any better.