2:30 and I can't sleep.

Hmm. I spent the whole Christmas season thinking about how bad this year had been, and all that went wrong. I spent all my time being pessimistic. I never stopped to think about all that went well. I really hate human nature, you know? I wish I would appreciate what I have instead of lamenting over what I don't acquire. It bugs me when I do that, or when others do it too. I hate to hear, "blah blah blah this is wrong," or "blah blah blah I can't go on" even from myself.

but, part of my New Year's resolution is to be grateful for what and who I have.

In essence, be happy with what you've got because you don't know what you have until it's gone.

Gotta love it.

I really want to say some things. I don't know what though. I've been bothered by a lot of things lately, so I think I'll make a list of pet peeves. It's not really for you, but for me. I need to figure out what really pushes my buttons. I'm usually super relaxed, so it's kind of hard to figure things like this out on my own.

I really hate it when:
- people say they'll do something, then bail out.
- people call me and fall asleep really fast.
- people sleep around. So trashy.
- people vote, but don't know jack about what they're voting for.
- people don't understand how the electoral system works, then complain about it.
- stupid people don't shut up because chances are, they're wrong.
- Freshmen and Sophomores join Track just to get out of P.E. I make them run more for it.
- girls try to be super obvious and get your attention.
- girls play stupid games.
- guys use girls.
- girls use guys.
- the good die young, and the bad get everything.
- assholes always get the girl.
- you finally realize that nice guys do finish last.
- people you love do things you hate.
- I can't let certain things go.
- I can see through someone's facade, but others can't.
- I beat myself up for things that I don't control.

And I really hate it when I wake up in the middle of the night and let everything that bothers me get 10 times worse.

Now, there are a lot of things that bug me, but a lot of things make me happy.

I love it when:
- people smile.
- I make others happy.
- I get to go out and skate.
- I write an awesome riff, or lyric that gets stuck in my head.
- I learn how to do something that has eluded me for a long time.
- I get to sit down and watch everyone else do something.
- I can sit in the middle of everyone's merriment and just enjoy the feeling.
- I can cuddle with someone special.
- I get kisses from someone who has been eating ice.
- I get better at things.
- I restart something I gave up long ago.
- I see couples who are genuinely happy.
- friends are happy, and nothing else matters.
- little kids laugh.
- little kids smile.
- little kids look up to me.
- I get to teach or play with kids.
- puppies jump on me.
- others learn that we all just need to slow down, take a step back, and relax.
- I slow down, take a step back, and relax.

And, I really love it when people are nice to each other.

Have you ever...

had that feeling where you feel awesome about yourself? Just, that one moment of glory for you? For whatever reason, the world's eyes seem transfixed on you and it's finally at the right time. I love that feeling. I've had it once, maybe twice. I just read a bulletin with the question, "What's your favorite feeling?", and right away, I thought of league finals last year. I felt like a million bucks. I always think back to running at night, under those stadium lights, having people scream and shout trying to root me and the other runners on. I remember feeling like I was going to let the whole team down, then deciding not to. It's like a rollercoaster of emotions, pain, happiness, and astonishment all in under a minute. I'll never forget it. I don't know why all this made me want to post a blog, but it did. Either way, it makes me proud. I may not be good at many things, but I have those moments. Those relays, live songs, and skate jams that will always live on in my memories.

It really is an amazing feeling.

Question

What is music? I'd really like to know what your definition of music is. No wrong answers. Just tell me. :]

Rant, rant, rant.

Everyone needs a little love sometimes. I know I do. Ha. How pathetic. I feel very alone, sad, confused, worried, neglected, and fast. I say I feel fast because it seems that the days are flying by, and I accomplish absolutely nothing. I am doing nothing with my life and that is really starting to bother me. Everyone complains about all the "crap" they have to do and about how they have no time. I'd rather have that, instead of just sitting here dwindling my life away. Why is it that we feel the need to be wanted? Why do I want to be loved? Why do I ask so much of everyone? Why am I so curious? I haven't had an insightful thought in days. I'm gradually getting stupider, and it really bothers me. At the same time, that's the least of my worries. I keep worrying about how I'll do this upcoming season. I don't know if I'll even make it to season. I need something. I know what it is, but it's one of those few things that can't happen by my own doing. Silly, ain't it? I know that a few people love me, and I don't doubt that, but right now, I need some support. I need some of that love. I need comfort. It's just one of those days, weeks, or however long it will be, that I need comfort because I can't stand on my own. I'm going nowhere, and life's passing me by all the time.

I need a pick-me-up. A hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, a hand on the shoulder, and reassurance that things will get better soon.

Ah, Seniority

Being a Senior is starting to finally make some sense to me. I'd spent some time trying to figure out what was so special about being a Senior. After a while, I realized it. It sets you apart from the other kids in school. I stand in the lines at lunch, and even though I'm not the tallest perseon there, I don't look like the other kids. I hold myself better, and it seems with more humility than the Freshmen and Sophomores who think it's funny to throw food around.

Besides the physical differences, I've noticed other things.

When I run in Track now, I have this newfound confidence and drive. I haven't felt this way since I was a Freshman, and even then, I still feel different. It's great. I finish all the runs and workouts first, and not because I got lucky, or I was having a good day. I do it because I want it. I push myself, and I make sure that I get in front and stay in front.

Being a Senior changes you mentally. You think differently. You realize that highschool isn't really different than life. You think that there are certain things that everyone knows that you don't, or that there are people that are extremely complex. This year, I realized that there isn't anything entirely new that I don't know about people. I don't know it all, but this year is helping me open up my eyes.

I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm happy, and I have relationships with the people I want to have relationships with.

Senior year's the shit.

Wow.

When did everything become a giant popularity contest? People's feelings no longer matter, and we're all so fake.

High school is the greatest thing ever.